Unrecognizable

“For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth; And the former shall not be remembered or come to mind." Isaiah 65:17

Laser Focus. That is what is missing from my repertoire. Determined Jedi-like Laser Focus.

My brain matter consists of fried, mushy baby batter where the circuits cease to fire but glaze over at first sound of a whimper.
I'm a one trick pony in conversation and a walking National Geographic documentary as I spend most days with my breasts hanging out ready to be ravaged by the ravenous creature who now controls my every thought, word, and deed.

I relish him when he's awake, ogle him as he sleeps, and spend my down time pouring over pictures of his short past. I'm enthralled. And lost simultaneously.  I recognize this common contradiction.

My rare outings consist of La Leche League meetings where other women not wearing bonnets and long skirts (much to some surprise) offer mother's milk on demand and ask questions like, "Why is he doing this?" And, "When will she stop?" It's amusing and numbing in the same breath. And impossible to not let the ghosts of past and present mothers serve as my guiding light of pure amazement.

I will not apologize to the non-parents or read articles about what I shouldn't say not to offend them. I was one of them. And now know the difference. The difference is the clock ticked for me before. And my days unfolded as such. Most pursuits were for pleasurable and material gain. Yet with a wave of his tiny hand, the timekeeper and energy spender has dictated a new world. One in which I find myself uncomfortable, resentful, delightfully affirmed, and hopelessly in love as the calendar pages tear off at rapid pace and I experience a life lived for someone else.

Don't pity my priorities. Or say I've fallen in with the masses.

I just might purchase a plastic toy, adopt primary colors as my new favorite pallet, or talk in a higher octave with a shit eating grin smeared across my face as I stare at this miraculous human occupying my time pie chart.
It's okay.  It's my life. And bringing a new life into this world will change a person. Trust me, I know.

Now did I say I had no focus?

Parenting is not a new concept. But it is new for me. And it is with much effort that I restrain myself from turning this nearly abandoned blog into a Mommy Board where I air my bouts of self doubt and woes of sleep deprivation.