"Let all the house of Israel therefore know for certain that God has made him both Lord and Christ, this Jesus whom you crucified.” Acts 2:36
Changeableness.
Ambiguous in spelling and meaning.
But precisely the state of feeling in which I perpetually dwell.
As much as I persuade myself I want to flee New York and its inhabitants, I find a healthy dose of peace here that could be dangerously construed as contentment.
My search for certainty appears to be solved momentarily...
But the last time, I got the urge for going, I didn't.
And it cost me an inheritance, a five year litigation, my serotonin levels, and faith in my husband's eyes that I still possess an easy going attitude he fell in love with.
So I question and say things like this:
"But there aren't jobs out there."
Outside of these four elusive walls that contain me and set me free simultaneously; Where a phone call for medical marijuana and hot roasted garlic Ramen is ten digits away, if I find the energy to expend my index finger towards the superfluous. Or if I want to work the sunlight and sanity away because depositing paper into a financial institution gives me some sort of solace that interacting with the public and my problems doesn't.
I'm losing my edge. Not because it is becoming duller. But because my rational choice making is becoming dimmer. And I can't block out the loud darkness that permeates the streets and radiates in my mind for enough time to hear my feelings.
To know what is certain.
To be steadfast in what that is...
This is my next feat.
"New York has a trip-hammer vitality which drives you insane with restlessness if you have no inner stabilizer." Henry Miller
And it just so happens, it has a hold on my rock n rolling, nauseating emotions.
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