A Moment. Ours

"Consider the blameless, observe the upright; there is a future for the man of peace." Psalm 37:37

In 1937, The Tappan family gave their estate called Tanglewood to the Boston Symphony Orchestra as a gift. The BSO gladly accepted the generous offer of 210 acres of pristine grounds with sugar maples and ancient pines overlooking the blue Stockbridge Bowl and the rolling hills of Berkshire county. Since, thousands have gathered on the weedless meadows, to spread their picnics, and listen to the echos of the symphony summer after short New England summer.

Found a slice of peace today on my back in the damp grass tight in my husbands arms.
And we exhaled.
Here's to summer and the great wide open future.

Will you raise your glass?

Deep Greens and Blues

"Because of your father's God, who helps you, because of the Almighty, who blesses you with blessings of the heavens above, blessings of the deep that lies below, blessings of the breast and womb." Genesis 49:25

There is something so romantic about traveling by train. The rocking of the cars, the clicking of the track, the eccentric habits of the daily commuters.
Canal Street on a summer Saturday morning felt like small town main street.
Some familiar faces and a few good mornings exchanged. I could get used to this!

Taking the Hudson line via Harlem through Pleasantville for a weekend getaway in the gorgeous Berkshire mountains. JT said it best.
"lord, the Berkshires seamed Dreamlike..."
Even the conductors are happy on the weekend. Nothing like the late night calls from the Munich customs agents jarring you out of your sleeping cart at all hours of the night.
But peace. Smiles. Coffee. And ahh the weather.
Just crossed the Appalachian Trail and the sheer busyness of Grand Central Station this morning seems like a yesterday in an alternate world.

I am so blessed. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Too cliche for you?
He is the King of Kings. My all in all. And He pours his blessings out on me continuously.

May have just made a work/live/thrive contact on the Metro North Line amongst the wildflowers and pussy willows. A true New Yorker. An owner of a sports publication. An avid runner. A dear. Both of us getting away from the overwhelming city.
Her to tend her garden. Me, my marriage.

Without a shadow of doubt, I have a passion for New York City that has not been satiated in the last four months. Lost in thoughts of a hiatus/regroup for the summer. I mourn the loss of what I might miss. Yet the thoughts of paychecks with wings brings me a stiff dose.
What to do?
Last night over stiff Martinis at the Canal Room, I told my friend that we (my lover and I) have way too much going on. It's impeding our focus, our togetherness. He replied with, "the only thing going on, is your life. Your life is continuing to go on."

Yep, I'm officially out of the city. Gray silos and Red barns on the right side of the train and my best friend in the sunshine waving the arriving train.

What would you do?

They're Out There

He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name." Psalm 147:4

"That means that... our whole solar system... could be, like... one tiny atom in the fingernail of some other giant being. This is too much!" Larry (Animal House)

Some of the quality time I miss the most with my husband is sitting across from him, whether it be over morning coffee or dessert after dinner and telling him I want to discuss the moon and the stars. This to me means anything from neuroscience, heaven and hell, dreams and desires, and of course outer space.

Two of my recent favorite things:

Getting out of work and strolling through the first and most fascinating landscaped parks in the US, Central Park. Winding through the rocky outcroppings, Lilly-pond swamps, and weeping willows, I can catch glimpses of shining stars.

Taking in the view of the city twenty stories high at dusk as the lights slowly twinkle on and the sun sets into the Hudson casting a fiery glow on the mirrored glass resembling a building on fire...

Scientists say that on a clear night one can see 2500 stars from one point on Earth with the Naked Eye. And there are over 8,000 visible ones. Astronomers are convinced there are over 200 thousand million stars in the Milky Way alone. This is only one of millions of other galaxies. And in theory more beings other than ourselves...

In case you missed Astronomy 101, this is absolutely mind blowing to consider and accept.

And he knows every one of them by name. Makes New York really small. And my worries insignificant.

Do you really think we're alone?

Your Destination

"You were wearied by all your ways, but you would not say, 'It is hopeless.' You found renewal of your strength, and so you did not faint." Isaiah 57:10

I know a woman, (who) became a wife
These are the very words she uses to describe her life
She said a good day ain't got no rain
She said a bad day is when I lie in the bed
And I think of things that might have been. S&G

It rained all day long. Until it was time for me to lie in bed.

You think you're gliding down the highway or just slip sliding away?

Clinging to Eternity

"Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands." 2 Corinthians 5:1

Woke up at sunrise...news from our tenants disrupted any idea of a restful sleep.  Our bold ficus tree's roots have sprawled in search of water into our plumbing wreaking havoc, doing what God's creation does best. Survives. Rolled off my rented love seat (for at least a few more weeks), fell to my shaken knees, and sang this needing prayer....

Hear our prayer
we are your children and
we've gathered here today
We've gathered here to pray

Hear our cry, Lord we need your mercy
And we need your grace today
hear us as we pray

Hear our song
As it rises to heaven
May your glory fills the air
as the waters cover the sea

See our heart
And remove anything
that is standing in the way
Of coming to you today
our father who art in heaven
hallowed be thy name'
our father hear us from heaven
forgive our sins we pray

Though we are few
we're surrounded by many
Who have crossed that river before
And this  is the song we'll be singing for ever

HOLY is the LORD 
HOLY is the LORD

Don Moen

Everything material will disappear. And He will remain.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8

Do you find security in that fact?

You Have Now Entered

"A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions."
Proverbs 18:2

Tonight marks the end of Fleet Week and the boys set sail tomorrow. No more tight white uniforms trolling the Downtown clubs looking for action. Ahoy Sailors. Until next year.

Once upon a time there were three girls who worked the late shift at a high end designer department store on Central Park South. One, a forty something divorcee Christian devoted to skin care, desperately seeking a humble and hardworking husband, bitter towards most men and loathes New York and co-dependency. Two, a bright eyed dynamic mid thirties musician and dreamer, a self-proclaimed flame in which men (moths) can't help being drawn towards, and whose M.O. is to maximize the minimum . Three,  a much too young to feel this old married adventurer with a grounded foundation looking for the most out of life, and hitting a few detours.

Together, they passed the hours frying their brains under the recessed lighting.

 The two seasoned retail women advised the latter.

-What are you doing in New York? It will suck the life out of you.

-Your marriage is going to fail.

-One night, you'll be out with your girlfriends exploring/drinking and whoops you'll sleep with someone.

-Open your mind to the Divine, and you will meet all ethnicity's and find a common bond.

-You need to think of yourself as a Golden Diamond Angel

-He may tell you he's a Christian, but he's doing his Rosary behind closed doors.

-If any women puts her arm around a man to soothe him, she is mothering him and it's not a healthy relationship.

-All men just want to be God.

-You should just leave Manhattan, go home, have children, and write about that!

Uh-huh, and the crazy talk continued until the registers closed.

 The third woman stood there listening saying a silent prayer to herself. And then thanked them for their experienced advice. 

But she had a head on her shoulders. Not only is it pretty, it's sane. Or some version of it.

The place is a madhouse
Feels like being cloned
My beacon's been moved under moon and star
Where am I to go
Now that I've gone too far.

My whole life spins into a frenzy...Golden Earring

Is this the twilight zone?

A Day of Memorial

"For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1:5

What a difference a day makes.

Today is the kind of day in your life that has just as many hours in the day as any other but somehow this particular day's hours are filled to the brim with more joy, amazement, confidence, peace and utter thankfulness.

7:30 AM..broken shade sunrise. Holiday.

Head shake

Hang.

Hot Husband

Coffee.

11 AM meeting at Grand Central Station.

7 Train Flushing

Graffiti backdrop

Threat with a paint peeler. You flat assed white homo, don't pull that shit with me.

Exit.

Shea Stadium Empty

High Tide

Impeccable Spring Day

Queen's Marina

Indian Sari's 

Rainbow of Colors

Dance.  Open Bar.

Tandoori. Food , Glorious Food.

Dance

Breeze.

Low Tide.

Shea Stadium Full.

A Memorial Red Poppy. Thank you for Serving and for my Freedom.

Goodbyes.

42nd Street stroll to 14th

Empire State Building view.  RED, WHITE, and BLUE.

3 friends

Yoga 

chill.

Sea gulls, sunset.

white wine.

pink shoulders.

You're a grand ole flag.

Home,

Goodnight Lover in Atlanta.

Music.

Clarity.

Heavenly Father, You are Exalted.

These are the days.

Will you remember fondly?

Freaks of the NYC (Industry)

"Stretch out your hand to heal and perform miraculous signs and wonders through the name of your holy servant Jesus." Acts 3:40

I could cover a lot of ground.... from spending the last three days smiling at tight faced women in vintage Chanel suits followed by their faithful assistants and sprite Pomeranians buying copious amounts of rouge. To the outwardly mysterious bearded man who walks the streets of NY with a live Siamese cat balanced on his head, joined by the avid "athlete" that hits an over sized ball of duck tape with a bent golf club along the West Side. Or the amazing free styling beat boxers that surround the shirtless card magician who resembles Ed Norton in Fight Club in the center of Union Square. I could also recite all of the rare, putrid, pointless, and raunchy objects I documented on the subway track today, just trying to get the image out of my head of the orgasm extravaganza in my living room last night. Lastly, I could recount Pastor Kevin's sermon on worship and how it should ALWAYS be our first line of defense with our enemies. 

But. When I first had the idea of starting Freedom of Peach, I wanted to write about my observations of New Yorkers faith and beliefs in a greater power more important than themselves. To see exactly who they call on...

I wanted to do this through showing them me and His spirit in me. I want them to say, I want to feel that.

I admit I've been floundering lately trying to make sense of the mayhem, I may have lost my focus. I've been fighting battles that aren't mine, their His.

This is my daily struggle. I know how much He loves me, wants for me, and will protect me. And I want to share it.

This is what I believe God called me to do in my short time in Manhattan.

When I checked in at Barney's security this morning and stuffed all my personal possessions into their mandated transparent bag.. I sighed. The man told me to buck up, it was a beautiful day and that was all that mattered.

I responded with actually the only matter of significance is that my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ died for me  and he lives and regardless of me continuously going through this or any other beautiful day not showing humility or singing his praises continually, He still loves me. 

Slack jawed, he handed me my security ticket, told me he agreed, but told me not to discuss it at work.

Boy you crazy. I will say his name morning,noon, and night. Rain, Sleet, Shine, or Snow.

I'll go ahead of the army singing my Lord's Love Endures Forever...

And only He can handle the deep, dark, freakiness of us all.

"Because when I call on Jesus,
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles' and soar
When I call on Jesus,
Mountains are gonna fall
'Cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call." NM

Who is your sword and shield?

She Never Lost Her Head

"Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3:4

"You're so exactly like other people. That's just

what I complain of, said Humpty Dumpty. Your face is the same as everybody has -- the two eyes, so --nose in the middle, mouth under. It's always the same. Now if you had the two eyes on the same side of the nose, for instance -- or the mouth at the top -- that would be some help.   It wouldn't look nice, Alice objected.  But Humpty Dumpty only shut his eyes, and said Wait till you've tried."

Through the Looking Glass- Lewis Carroll

Makeover Morning. 

Since so much is out of my control and in His hands, I decided that I would consciously take a firm grip of at least one particular area of my life...my hair.... Quick trip next door to Ricky's NYC (the solution to all problems) and $6 later, I went, uh should we say a few shades lighter than my virgin blond....I don't quite recognize the bizarre man in the mirror but damn it feels good to have some grasp on desiring change and immediate results delivered.

Ahh Image.

The Chinese hustlers down on Canal have taken to visual props to lure the Memorial Day weekend shoppers into the covert operations of peddling knock off designer purses.  Entering and Exiting the subway I was asked to identify and point the exact Coach or Fendi bag I was pursuing on the laminated card they held in hand. Unfortunately I was running late for work and pushed through the swarm...and coming home beaten down,  I just shook my newly bleached head no.

Here's how to create added adventure to your pilgrimage to Canal Street.

When asked "Handbag, Handbag?" You respond with a created designer name i.e. Kanakawa or Pradagammo and watch the throng of ladies scramble about to find out who has the coveted inventory...

Or asked.."New Movies, Movies, DVD's" You respond you gotta any Deep Throat, and watch the Nigerian men flash their toothy white grins and start slapping their friends backs in response to your naughty quip.

My days may not be glamorous but nothing about them is monotonous.

-Little joe never once gave it away
Everybody had to pay and pay
A hustle here and a hustle there
New york city is the place where they said
Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
I said hey joe, take a walk on the wild side-

Lou Reed

Is it the true you, if you're satisfied on the safe route?

Please Don't Stop the Music

"Here comes the dreamer, they said to each other." Genesis 37:19

Take off my clothes.. Show them that under here  I'm just like you. Do the mistakes I make  Make me a fool? Or a human with flaws?   Admit that I'm lost. Around of applause.           Take the abuse -Rhianna

Our girl came in to buy skincare...she didn't buy any from me. But there were enough "I've got some foundation to cover up bruises jokes to go around with all the shop girls." 

Yes, cosmetic counter workers are bored out of their gourd. But the Barbados's beauty looked fantastic.

Bright, chipper, hung like a cheap picture, somehow I found myself sitting at the same conference table in Long Island City, Queens this morning, looking at the same faces, entranced at the same gargantuan apple crumb muffins fit for the Soviet Union army and deciphering every other word through the same Russian accents.

 Only this time, I wore a lab coat and toured the refrigerators full of nano-complex powders, watched the formula's mixed by scientists and was officially diagnosed by the founding Physician of physiology....Enzymes, cellular regeneration, and so forth ??? $4 white whine ouch.

In my research, I found two of the ingredients in this skincare line are active ingredients in Febreeze and IV Solution/Soda Pops.

Let me be clear.( no pun intended)  I am on my fifth day of antibiotics and prescription fungal cream for my face. Since working for this skincare line and attempting to be a "Believer", code for Kool-Aid Drinker, my face has erupted into what some would call extreme cystic acne with a tinge of severe Poison Ivy, peeling, itching, leper like qualities.

Fresh Face for the world at Barney's!!  

Pathetic isn't a powerful enough word....

Here's the deal. (Doesn't sound profitable, I know) I want to be a part of New York City. I want to experience success. I want to gain back the three years I have lost in age and stamina and start anew with the absolute vibrancy, activity, constant orgasmic fascination that only this city can offer...I'm not ready to come home. Despite the closing time song, I am not ready to quit dancing...It ain't last call.

So, I made an agreement with the DOCTOR of the house to give me free product specific for my skin. I will "religiously and faithfully" use for a week, with that I will also work every single day of this holiday weekend including Monday.  This is so I have rent and money for a dirty dog on Central Park when I exit the insane recycled air hole called my place of employment.

Okay, somebody slap me. I'm a servant to my roommate and a glutton for cleanser toner punishment. 

Does Manhattan have that kind of compromising power over an opinionated, independent, brave, risk taker like myself?  

Uh the answer is affirmative.

I meandered in the direction of  home via 7th Avenue to 42nd Street on a holiday weekend Friday night and dag nabbit..... I'm smitten and I ain't quitten,.

  

"put the needle on the record
put the needle on the record
when the song beats go like this"-Mars

Are you gonna sit it out, or are you gonna dance?

Settling

"Not one of them grows tired or stumbles, not one slumbers or sleeps; not a belt is loosened at the waist, not a sandal thong is broken. "Isaiah 55:7

Imagine I had a dime for every time New Yorkers told me I moved here at a bleak and lean but interesting time, I could pay my rent in eight days. 

I don't want to lose steam but...

Alas.

If I would have known I could turn on Ugly Betty's two hour finale at 9:57 and see by bobbing head, I would have passed along that information. I am sorry.  It was a wake up call to maybe not spend two 24 hour periods back to back in a rib missing corset dress standing on marble to end up face down ass up on the editing room floor.... I don't know call me crazy.

A four dollar bottle of wine split with an old friend in the recent air conditioned apartment...got me thinking.  Between Barney's bullshit, Bionova breakouts, cheap knock-offs, chatty narcissism, the Russian runaround, fake tits, and virtually No money... 

I have reached capacity today!

Thinking about a departure...

Will New York always be here? Where will time lead me? What will I miss?

New York City is not a city to figure out what you want to be when you grow up, it' a place to fulfill that EXACT and PRECISE dream. 

Should I stay or should I go?

Will I be making a mistake?

These Thoughts Are Normal

"With your help, I can advance against a troop, with my God I can scale a wall." Psalm 18:29

The following is much like Dar Williams folk song, Pointless, yet Poignant. 

An excerpt to get the gist.

"We used to say that our love was like hemp rope, three times strong as the rope that you would buy domestically. I still write to my senators saying they should legalize cannabis. And I should know, I'm a horticulturist."

Silly me, I rejected a nine dollar European bologna and parsley panini at a quaint Bistro on Madison scoffing at the price and enduring the knowingly smug look from the hostess. Ultimately spent 11 dollars on an egg pasta and grape leaves hodgepodge of greasy deli delights thinking it was the cheaper route..This move is evidence I'm still a novice epicurean in New York City. Knowing the best places to eat affordable is a testimony to knowing the city, regardless if you're solid with the trains...

Note. If I feel the slightest urge, I will not walk past the next Gyro cart I smell...

What am I doing?

 Trying to find inspiration peacefully in my closet, but intoxicated by the conversation in my living room with a deep voiced Persian Brown graduate discuss the benefits of not wearing a bra with silicon breasts and how the roundness of them balances out her broad shoulders. Giggle. Giggle. That and how she hopes her desperate and throaty growling in her sleep doesn't frighten me in mine. After all my vibe as a roommate is something she can have around her.

Lord give me strength...

Where the hell am I?

Staring in the mirror at my deeply furled squint line and my wrinkles I've received by my continuous raised eyebrow questioning (a trait of an iconoclast)...I 'm wondering if NYC is really a place to be when you're broke. I don't know. Maybe it is one of the places you can actually semi survive without panhandling. I already ate discarded leftovers and snagged an eyeliner from the trashcan...Hell, I'm practically prostituting myself dealing with the shared space by not speaking up. 

I don't want to sleep in the park.

She just asked him if her ass is tight enough..He responded by gripping it aggressively. I heard the slap from in here...

What am I accomplishing?

Yes, I am physically residing and still breathing in the most fantastic city in the world. I picked up and moved. I've explored this city alone for four months now and been blessed with opportunities only given by my Creator. I know He's carrying me. But am I truly living? Does fifteen hours of my time on a movie set for the top of my head to have a glimpse of fame pack enough of a punch to sustain me? 

Uh-oh sounds like their moving furniture around out there...

What do I want?

Other than to dance...I am acutely aware I want to write.  Be it in Central Park on a lush meadow of fescue. Or on a bamboo porch with bougainvillea partially blocking the view of the Caribbean blue. I desire my faith in the Lord and my fascination in superbly freaky people to manifest itself into my words. deeds. paychecks. 

But damn it's a hard living. Gotta git'er done.

"There is no rule on how to write. Sometimes it comes easily and perfectly; sometimes it's like drilling rock and then blasting it out with charges. 

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."

  Ernest Hemingway

Should life's ventures come easy?

So Bright, It's Burning

"In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and oil, but a foolish man devours all he has." Proverbs 21:20

At what point of the natural process of implementation, do you start to realize that an idea was a good one or one to be rethought? 

A twinge of second guessing rose up in me today.

Saying goodbye to my husband as I watched him drive away in a rent a car to another month of couch surfing with $80 remaining in our checking account. This after meeting with our lawyer about our outrageous debt we so graciously owe him for the tireless litigation we are years and wrinkles deep into...Making enough love to last us until our next reunion, getting our so to speak ducks in a row (fighting with illiterate insurance adjustor's) and (shamefully) doing our best at chipping away at our unique love for one another because well, we're depleted and HUMAN! 

 Pile it on with a deflated real estate market and living separately...we've reached our tipping point... Hell,what was two eight dollar margarita's thrown down our gullets as we bid farewell and I run weaving to the plane? 

While I return to Manhattan with a suitcase full of summer clothes( yep, another season), to my cozy love seat (my bed) and crowded apartment ( my door won't close) and jam back into the continuous questions resembling the likes of who am I and how can I make money being me?  You know the simple things....

All the while exploring every avenue that looks enticing,making sacrifices, and marching along with the 8 million others who are ruthlessly rocking it for the sake of a dream,  with the hopes I'm making the right decisions.

Some would call us crazy but I believe and have a man that supports it...that our insane right now is storing up love, passion, commitment, understanding, and thankfulness for the soon to come calm.( relatively speaking)

 There is without a doubt a shakedown on the earthly and a build up of the divine...

Time is indeed a grand teacher but since it destroys all of its students, there is no room for complacent mediocrity. Even if it's not safe, sound, or smart...the ride is worth the fall. 

How bad do you want it?

How bad do you need it?

Are you eating, sleeping, dreaming with that one thing on your mind?

How bad do you want it?

Cause if you want it all, 

you gotta lay it all out on the line. Tim McGraw

Is your storehouse full of yummy or bland?

Hard Knocks

"But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this." 1 Corinthians 7:8

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen 

Nobody knows but Jesus

 Nobody knows the trouble I've seen, Glory Hallelujah! 

L. Armstrong

Spending my last night nurturing my marriage and filling our love tanks before miles separate our bodies and the telephone line misinterprets our hearts.

Can you hear me now?

Home Sweet Home

"For He has endowed you with Splendor." Isaiah 55:5

A rainy night in Georgia, such a rainy night in Georgia
Lord, I believe it's rainin' all over the world
I feel like it's rainin' all over the world
How many times I wondered
It still comes out the same
No matter how you look at it or think of it
It's life and you just got to play the game... Ray Charles

Traveled 100 miles in driving rain north of Atlanta today to a sanctuary..my mama's home and retreat on 75 acres of mountain laurel and budding rhododendron in the beautiful pine covered Appalachians....Splendor Mountain. Uncorked  a ten year old bottle of allocated Symmetry wine on the wraparound porch and listened to the silence. AAHH..the familiar.

A refuge, reunion,  and a reminder to slow down, spend time, and deeply question my out of control pursuits. 

Just for the moment....

NY, I'm coming back home...and not soon enough.

Can you open up your heart and let me step inside?

Rest your weary head and let your heart decide?

--Queen

www.splendormountain.com

Let Love Rule

"Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." 

Matthew 18:4

I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired on my own. Won't you help me... Rev. Al Green

What is your strongest desire? What consumes your heart? Your wants and needs?

I am going to go out on a limb and say that it is for someone else to know what lifts your spirits, feeds you mind, and what buttons to push to make you sing, sad, and satisfied. 

To have this kind of intense connection with another flesh and blood,  you need stability, stamina, grace, and oh the hardest, humility.

In humbleness we are weak and vulnerable. We are admitting our frailties, our shortcomings, our lack. We are confessing we were were wrong and can't do it alone. We are surrendering our pride, our control. We're opening ourselves for the hardest of hits. We're exposing all of us. This does not come easy for any of us, but in my decades of up close and personal, I am wondering if that task is amplified for the male species.

A co-worker at the ole' designer department store and I were talking about our Salvation and shared belief in Jesus Christ. (surprise, another one) She told me when I deliberately chose to move to New York City, I chose the biggest mission field. There will be more temptations, more sabotagers, and greater evils in my path than ever before. And that the city itself will test my faith. And more so my marraige.

She went on to say with all the passionate and ill fated relationships she's experienced, not a solitary one of them could surrender.

Not one of them had the strength.....

I've always said no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand.

And that's true. But surrendering to the Lord's wants and my wants are often in conflict.

I'm utterly dismayed. Swinging in a carport. It's 2 AM and raining. I'm locked out of my house. Confused and sore at the thought of sleeping in a car. 

And wondering if women quit being the voice of reason,

What would happen to unions?

Drop in a Bucket

"God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good." Genesis 1:25

Do you ever notice that in whatever circles you are spinning or daily life you are leading, that world becomes the center of your universe? It's your highs, lows, points of contention, highlights of conversation. It's your first, last, and everything. But in reality, it's just a 2 minute pit stop on this fast track journey.

Maybe I'm being vague. Maybe I'm protecting those around me. But make no mistake about it. I have a long memory. And I'm honing my fiction skills. If it has any content value which all new experiences and acquaintances do, it will find it's way into my widely notarized body of works, and you will enjoy paging through the adventures and personalities by the poolside, bedside, and downside. I'm not talking insane fame. Just a reasonable sized loyal cult following.

Thanks for the enthusiasm...

Spent the afternoon over champagne on ice in the southern heat recounting the absolute absurdities I have taken on as my roommate's payed personal assistant to a group of wide eyed attentive listeners. 

Saying the mundane tasks out loud was almost too much to bear.

I'm a grocery shopper, merchandise returner, wardrobe critic, text analyzer, compliment giver, clothes packer, generous banker, drug interceptor, butcher, baker, candlestick maker.

It's slowly becoming one of my many hats I don... just to be a part of it.  In old New York.

New York City is like no place else in the world and it fosters characters that are like none other of this world. If ever I turned my nose up at the concept of how a "New Yorker" may live, laugh, respond, or react, I smack my hand for being so foolish because I can guarantee they are indeed different than you, me, and most.

Again, for this I am grateful. They bring black words to a blank screen and provide more food for thought than I can consume.

When men ask me how I know so much about men, they get a simple answer: everything I know about men, I learned from me.- Anton Chekhov

Letting things go...is another step in my reconditioning.

So check yourself.

Is it REALLY that important?

Better View

"We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord." 2 Corinthians 5:8

On a rainy December night in Georgia, I was sitting in traffic at a red light in the suburbs of Atlanta leaving work at 7 pm. Close to tenth in the gridlocked left lane, the monotonous sound of my turn signal and windshield wipers were pounding in my bleeding ears. I called a friend in Manhattan and had him listen in on my experience.

I told him with tears in my eyes and blinded by the brake lights,  I couldn't wait to relinquish control of the wheel and leave it all behind me...

This early morning, crossing Canal and boarding the 6 train uptown to Grand Central, the high pitched squeal of the departing train was as soothing as a lullaby and rocked me into a contentment of knowing the decision I made was the right one for me.

It is an exhilarating notion to finish a chapter and know you sucked all of the marrow and meaning out of it that you never need to return for more. 

It had it's place. And I had my time in it.

Feels good to fly the coop.

Like a bird from prison bars has flown...I'll fly away. A Krauss

When are you going to spread your wings?

I Want to Flower

"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:2

The hits..they keep on coming. I need to change my tune.

Okay. I am not not the gardener/landscaper/green thumb in my family but I do relish in the beauty, fragrance, fruit, of all varietals and am blessed to live without the pollen plague... 

Eleven years ago, I planted a species ( name unknown) in my front yard in Atlanta which I lovingly called Snuffleupagus because over the years it grew large, shaggy, and unruly.... I cried the first and every time since my husband took his pruning sheers to its fur....Same goes for my hydrangeas, crepe myrtles, and well anything that has shown me growth and life..through sun and soil.

Pruning. Cutting off. It's a painful concept to the novice.

But is vital in making a healthier, stronger, more balanced, more vigorous vine.

Any expert grower knows that a vine can not produce enough energy to ripen an unregulated crop. The fruit will be of poor quality, and well useless...

As hard as it is for me to grasp the why..I know every trial, obstacle, burden, drama, setback, disappointment, loss, and change I endure is the process of my father pruning me.  

His loving Word is the tool.

He's destroying the superfluous so I can flourish. 

While the loss of jobs, friends, family, money, materials are all in my earthly mind harming me...I truly know that it is God helping me fulfill his promise in me.

As a Believer in Jesus,  I trust he is taking away things that have served their purpose or that are standing in my way of gaining a reward....He's abolishing the encumbrance so I can expand.

From chronic acne to car accidents...From lost fortunes to lapsed relationships. From him in Atlanta to me New York. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's necessary.

Let it grow, let it grow

Let it blossom, let it flow

 In the sun, the rain, the snow 

Love is lovely, let it grow. Eric Clapton

Do you believe whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger?

Weirdest of Weirds

"He said to them, "You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight." Luke 16:15

Let us consider that we are all partially insane. It will explain us to each other; it will unriddle many riddles; it will make clear and simple many things which are involved in haunting and harassing difficulties and obscurities now.
-Mark Twain

It drives me crazy when people pretend to behave normal. But moreover, act shocked if I don't "seem" myself. I am what I am. And I like me. 

It's Limerick Day and I'm Irish by marriage. So...

There once was a writer with hope

who found inspiration through dope.

She chased her dream's passion

And in typical fashion

Found that with life, she must cope.

Oy!

Could you quit posturing long enough to let your true colors shine?

What would that look like?

Kick A little Something for the Gs

"For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife." Proverbs 30:33

Drama: any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results: 

There's so much drama in the NYC...

So tired, tired of these drama
No more, no more
I wanna be free
I'm so tired, so tired. Mary J.

I'm so tired and extremely perplexed as to how we do..oh what's the cliched term?

Make mountains out of mole hills

Sweat the small stuff

Create drama from dirt

Exhale.  Spicy spinach pizza, cheap white wine, and folk music on Pandora almost has made my helluva day melt. However, it's not such a simple feat.

Despite my life's woes, worries, progress, and pain...

I am up to my bloodshot eyeballs with spiritual disconnected drunken yogi Buddhist boyfriend and cosmic rising moon selfish girlfriend breakups. Dissatisfied, angry clients telephoning and in detox because their custom cream hasn't arrived, and two (un)magnanimous people with an eleven year history of Friendship, Favoritism, Loyalty, Abandonment,  Deception, Laughter, Weakness, Poverty Narcissism, Respect, and Mistrust deciding the aching void in their life is the other's presence. Too much.

And all this just is not my vibe y'all.

As if working at Barney's isn't enough.

Wasn't it Jeff Spicoli who said, "all I need is some tasty waves, a cool buzz and I'm fine?"

When you add friends, does that mean additional problems?

Eight Days A Week

"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls" Matthew 11:29

Grace..eventually? No. Now.

Come unto me if you're burden is heavy.

Come unto me if you're tired of the fight.

Come unto me and find rest for your soul.

My yoke is easy and my burden is light. Charlie Teer

After church this morning at Harvest Christian Fellowship on 56th street I meandered the non-grid to congregate with others around the fountain at Father Demo Square on Bleeker Street. And entrance into the West Village. Eye Candy galore.

 On a remarkable blue sky day in Manhattan, people crawl out of the woodwork and into the open streets like an infestation. Taxi's are empty. Subway cars few. And every park bench is occupied...

How do you spend your Sunday? That was the question on the pastor's lips today.

The 4th Commandment in Chapter 5 of Deuteronomy says to honor the Sabbath. This does not mean don't linger over a bloody mary brunch with acquaintances, or put off planting that one special ginkgo tree in your patch of green space, nor should you resist a creamy gelato in celebration of switching out your winter wool closet for the hot colors of summer. 

But it does mean, stop for a moment and spend some precious time with God.

As a Christian, this should be and what is exactly what I desire to do daily. 

Everyday. Not just Sunday.

I realize that the emphasis on faith is diminishing as a guide post for many.

Certainly in the media,  there has been such a large accent placed on the secondary, from worship tendencies, church attire, hymnals vs. rock praise, sexual preference, what he or she does in their daily life....behind their closed doors. God can't fit in a box. And there certainly isn't one way to honor Him nor magnify His word.

We are ALL so busy talking about the speck in our neighbors eye, that we don't notice the plank in our own  blinding us to the truth,

JESUS is the primary. And our walk with Him is where our focus should turn and remain.

Hypocrisy, be it Pharisees or today's religious leaders...you are majoring in the minors!!!

 Do not be false accusers of followers because they do or don't eat fish on Friday. Smoke a joint. Bang their head...

You are putting your energy into the concept of man instead of the ways ordained by God. 

If only we could spend a little more time getting to know Him instead of using Him to defend what we think is the right way. 

Get to know Him. Be conformed into His image. He will speak for you...

How did I spend part of my Sunday?

 In the back of a taxi with my hand on my roomates new C cup...

And thanking my mama for life.

"Dear friends, I am not writing a new commandment for you; rather it is an old one you have had from the very beginning. This old commandment—to love one another—is the same message you heard before.  Yet it is also new. Jesus lived the truth of this commandment, and you also are living it. For the darkness is disappearing, and the true light is already shining."

1 John 2:7

In the words of Ray and Sailers...

When you're learning to face your path at your pace. Every choice is worth your while.

Can you really condemn your neighbor's walk?

In Latin That's Carpe Diem

"The length of our days is seventy years—  or eighty, if we have the strength;  yet their span  is but trouble and sorrow,  for they quickly pass, and we fly away." Psalm 90:10

You may delay, but time will not.  ~Benjamin Franklin

This is when I have the hardest time writing a daily blog that has for the most part (uh my part) adopted and conformed to some sort of recipe.  Because after a day of picking, plucking, and gathering like today, I can't decipher the ingredients, nor do I desire the discipline it takes to follow along according to the precise measurements.

I'd rather lie here with my window open as the stiff breeze cools my warm buzz...

There is something in the night air of this spring season, I have yet to feel before in my life. A hungriness. A mission. An absolute passion for life that makes you back off the negative and put your full body weight into the positive. A season for sex, love, laughter, seduction.  An all encompassing want to put your head and heart full steam into this beautiful chance at a lifetime. 

And you don't need me to tell you it's short.

I am inspired everyday here by people's choices, manners, motives, drive, and direction here. They leaped. Embracing the now. And for that mere fact. I applaud them. 

Life happens too fast for you ever to think about it.  If you could just persuade people of this, but they insist on amassing information.  ~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

It's time to seize the day.

How will you let this one pass?

Happy and Satisfied

"Let them praise His name in the dance: let them sing praises unto Him with the tambourine and harp." 

Psalm 149:3

When's the last time you enjoyed a grilled cheese sandwich with real butter on Wonder Bread?

I did at midnight on top of 3 Magic Hats overlooking Manhattan...and the dancing was on!

This city is all about self starting. There is a plethora of the world's offerings happening at every turn but if you don't seek it, it won't find you...

Spent the afternoon relishing and watching a crowd of Chinese students wildly chase a birdie around the field with badminton rackets while an intimate group of Mexican chefs played an impromptu "quitting time" game of futbol. The Ultimate Frisbee match with shirts vs skin galore provided a dull roar. As a couple passed a joint in the open bright of day in front of me, my focus fell to the mammoth blue spinnaker sail fill with wind and head towards Ellis Island

 It is officially spring and Friday in New York City. Hallelujah.

"Another missed birdie, squint, that's why we're Asian." non-descript badminton novice

The act of leaving the apartment is the hardest part of the day. I'm a decent nester and I often love to be alone. In a city full of perfect strangers, venturing out can be daunting...especially when you have no place to go.

This is dangerous and defeats the purpose of dwelling in the city that never sleeps...never mind thriving...so off I went.

After working for the last two weeks and pinching pennies, I have been catching up on my Independent Films..in the confines of my four walls. 

The drought of my social life was more than drenched last night courtesy of my dearest tall dark and handsome friends.

A benefit concert for Fierce with...Toshi Reagon and Big Lovely rocked Santos Party House last night. In a room full of Samantha Rosen look a likes... a straight blond standing in between two male models was a rare commodity...And the music was white hot....

 Already blown away by the  R & B Folk groove of Meshell Ndegeocello, the muscular RuPaul reminiscent Cirque de Soleil performance, and the seductive simultaneous spoken word that dripped like wax, I  surely wasn't expecting the sweet sound to come from this big, black, bald, beautiful woman strapped with an electric guitar bringing the retro funk with a gospel flair like no other...We grooved.

I don't know what it is about this city. The spiritual experiences are abundant. But the ordinary is non-existent. And it is so nourishing.

Have you heard, have you heard the dreams of the dove 

I am sure it’s a sign of the lord 
Did you dance to that thunderous shout 
I am sure it’s a sign of the lordI got chills in my eyes from lookin above 

I am sure it’s a sign of the lord...TOSHI

What feeds your soul?

On Bended Knee

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

MC Hammer said it best, "We gotta pray, just to make it today."

Today is National Prayer Day. A proclamation signed in 1952 by President Truman, recognized as an official occasion by President Reagan, and honored on the White House calendar until today, where President Obama chose not to celebrate or publicly recognize the power of prayer... It would be an utterly sad understatement to say that Evangelicals are disappointed in his personal decision. 

The Bible says that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. And when two or more agree on something in prayer, the extraordinary can happen.

Today is an invitation to all walks of faith to pray for our nation. Did you hear me?

To pray for our nation!!

Not that every faith, creed, belief, or walk be homogenized but that we come together with unity in mind, and ask for help.

Yes, Obama we are a wonderfully created diverse in pattern and texture nation of people. I couldn't agree more that the patchwork of our heritage is our strength as Americans.

But today's deliberate shun of the act of prayer makes you side with only the non-believers. While the rest of us want to bow our heads and lift our hands in reverence. Members of  American Atheists want to kiss your feet...

Now in my 33 years of life, I have knowingly and willingly been following Jesus Christ for the last 26. My faith has grown exponentially as I have learned the doctrine and surrendered my way. It has waned in situations where I falsely convinced myself I had a strong grip on the helm. But since my life changed with a prayer to the Lord when I was seven years old, I have always remained faithful in prayer.

Praying is talking with God. Listening to God. And fostering a relationship with Him. Enjoying being in the presence of your King.

It is not a repeated mantra, ritual steps, or formulas. 

We pray because we love God. And we earnestly seek His guidance.

I pray everyday because I want to glorify Him and the blessings he's shown in my life.

 It is my security, my refuge, my answer to all things uncertain.

And today in this climate, we could all use a little more prayer.

"O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief." Psalm 143:1

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

"I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing."                 1 Timothy 2:8

"Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise." James 5:13

Heavenly Father, you are the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. I honor you. Lord I ask for the strength and wisdom to follow your heart and your will for me. Your plan is so much greater than any of my schemes. I surrender my ways to you knowing you are my only hope and salvation and all adversity I face is you pruning me to become the promise you have promised. In Jesus' Name I pray.

What is your prayer?

That's Bull

"Then the King will say to those, come you who are blessed by my Father, take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world." Matthew 25:34

Is it ironic that I strolled through the financial district, walked east on Wall Street, passed the New York Stock Exchange, by the Museum of Finance so I could take a free ferry for a 50 cent fat FREE yogurt?

I missed the ferry and bought a $1 Lotto ticket instead...

Does money change everything?

I Get A Kick Out of You, You, and Me

"Once again, the kingdom of heaven is like a net that was let down into the lake and caught all kinds of fish." Matthew 13:47

Anything Goes- An American debutante, an evangelist turned night club owner, a handsome wall street broker, a gangster named Moonface made their debut together on Broadway in 1934.

Anything goes..

All the time? When every thing's gone? When all else has failed?

In New York City, that's Status Quo.

I wonder when people quit paying mindful attention to the absolute craziness diversity, the outlandish oddities, and the insane and eclectic characters that make up the daily buzzing population of Manhattan.

You can do, say, wear, and play anything you want... A smorgasbord of life choices and persona's floating around this here place. The more bawdy, eccentric, outrageous, controversial, or bizarre stance or behavior doesn't necessarily mean, more attention. It all seems to blend and define this city.

Suddenly I feel home.  I feel confident in all my abnormalities, madness, curiosity, quirkiness and well, self.   

Reminds me a little bit about St. John, whereas you had to do the absolute knock down drag out drunken unthinkable to garner a reaction there and even still, you got a few batted eyes. Believe me my repetitive accidental tackling of the bassist from Jalapeno Brothers as he tried to play a Jam Show at the Back Yard Bar didn't even warrant a mention the next day at breakfast.  Ahh the good ole' days of the Wild West Caribbean.

After stepping over a passed out, snoring 70 year old woman sprawled on the stairs on set who had been dropping crass F bombs all morning, and in your face crotch shots of everyone changing wardrobe in one open room while discussing their sexual preferences, to having a depressing conversation with a plastic surgery happy woman who said the mansion we were in reeked of religion... musty, corrupt and evil...the memories haunted her.

It dawned on me I wasn't in the twilight zone, I was working in a little microcosm of Manhattan, except in tight quarters and for 15 hours. Ahh the life of an actor...

In pursuing an answer, a born and raised New Yorker told me he realized anything goes, when he was working a construction site and a man that had repeatedly dubbed everyone around him douche bag dropped his pants and pooped on the sidewalk. And passersby kept passing by.

I'm serious y'all, I am still getting ( literally) bowled over with an open jaw at what I get to witness while others are rushing to the next..

Hence the term: A Jaded New Yorker 

In my smitten(ness), I reject it's jadedness. I believe it's acceptance. 

In olden days a glimpse of stocking 

Was looked on a something shocking.

Now heaven knows, anything goes

Good authors who once knew better words

Now only us four letter words

Writing Prose, anything goes. 

My way- your way, Anythings goes tonight. Guns N Roses

Can you justify normal?

I'll Give You a Royal Pain

"The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it." Proverbs 27:12

Here is the "Harry" situation of the pitfall I am slowly falling into..I've been dancing on the edge of the crocodile's back and it is becoming abundantly clear to me that the strong vine may not come to my rescue and I will tragically end, up to my bloodshot eyeballs in the brackish tar pond with the angry scorpions.

Ok. I am speaking 1980's Intellivision code. And my hand's on the console.

The early recreational technology is NOT flashing back with a vengeance oh but the fashion is....

Here is the video game I speak of in a nutshell. If I were to seriously write what I had intended today, I would most certainly be prostituting myself to my readers. Another 13 hour shoot.

I am exhausted. I am seeped of all creative energy, I'm chilled to the bone and frankly nursing my tootsies from 5 inch heels on marble in cold and damp Long Island. And delving into my personal psyche while attempting to explain my skewed perception of those around me would be utterly forced. 

Therefore, I wouldn't be purging, I would be pretending. And that ain't the name of the game.

Three hours of shuteye per night is not a satisfactory average.

I miss the hell out of my best friend and lover.

Navigating through the options to get to the core of my passion is a full on brain drain.

It's a maze. It's a jungle. Sometimes I succumb to Pitfall Peach.

Are you in constant negotiation with potential hazards?

Into the Great Wide Open

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, My Savior and my God." Psalm 42:11

"You know what, it is so funny. A good writer will always find it very hard to fill a single page.  A bad writer will always find it easy."Aubrey Kalitera, Why Father Why

Writers Block. I should have been a cowboy. Or a private dick.

I read somewhere that a detective looks, listens, and moves in search of an idea that brings every element together and make sense of them. A private investigator and a writer could be one in the same. My gift: EAVESDROPPING  It's made me a more rounded writer and as of late popular on the TV sets as I can report all the whispered drama....

Writing is what I have wanted to to and have done for as long as I can remember. I have dreaded, often despised, craved,  relished  and I have adored the catharsis it brings. More times than not, when I question my motives or end product, I reference Jack Kerouac's List of Essentials.

• Submissive to everything open, listening
• Write what you want bottomless from the bottom of mind
• Telling the true story of the world in interior monologue
• Write in recollection and amazement for yourself
• Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
• Don't think of words when you stop but to see the picture better
• You're a GENIUS all the time

The last one usually motives me...Should I be pinching myself? Today I spoke with my three closest girlfriends there in fact by bridesmaids.  In each, we had a sad observation of the rapidly moving hands of the clock. And we tried to keep up. 

Even though I have been sleepwalking the majority of this day. I did hear them.

They all three repeatedly said, WOW, you're doing it. I'm so proud of you. You're living the fast life. Who would have thought all of this could be happening? It's amazing. What an exciting time. You are making your circumstances.

Yes, yes, and yes. My Response

.My question. Is it really my doing?

I am Living a Dream.

Experiencing the Interesting.

New York City.

Many Firsts.

Multiple Facets of Fun!

But again, He is the Reason.My Fortress. My Solid Rock.

I choose to greet my morning and end my night in Thanksgiving.

For it is in Praising God in which all my blessings come.

My surroundings are different. My obstacles Plenty.

But He is the same everyday. And His purpose for me remains in tact.
So I'll continue to honor Him in every way.And Honor my writing self and write everyday.

You don't have to fill a page. Everyday isn't exciting. But the gift of Life is...

"We had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life." JK

Is the sky the limit?

Mind Over Mood...Action

"From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another." John 1:16

"New York was an inexhaustible space, a labyrinth of endless steps"....Paul Auster

God is opening  doors here for me and I am walking through them gladly and accordingly.

 In the last 42 hours, I have slept five of them. In agreement with simple math, that means I spent the remainder of that allotted time in a corset and stilettos on my feet.

Sleep 101.

Rests the Body

Restores Health

Copes with Stress

Solves Problems

Recovers Illnesses

Repairs Cells

Replenishes Energy

As soon as my mind reaches its REM state anytime soon, the content should return. 

"New York was the nowhere he had built around himself and he realized he had no intention of leaving." Paul Auster

It has been one hell of a week.

Do you ever want to escape the obligation to think?

Whatever Gets You Through the Night

The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these. Mark 12:31

Threshold-the point at which a stimulus is of sufficient intensity to begin to produce an effect.

May 1, 1931 Herbert Hoover turns on the lights and officially dedicates the tallest skyscraper in the world, The Empire State Building.

In 1933...the tallest, darkest, fiercest leading man in an epic thriller about survival of the primitive goes awry, climbs 1250 feet, and subsequently wreaks havoc on New York City after being exploited during the economic depression.

May 1, 2003

Attention turns to Commander in Chief GW's maiden jet landing on an aircraft carrier bringing the Fonzie's thumbs up and a mission accomplished message.

Today, 2009. MMmm... Official end to combat missions in Iraq? 

Another oppressive state of economy...

NO. Apparently, it's Global Love Day.

I've had 5 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours and I'm on my ways to cinch myself into a corset and stilettos for the next 15 hours. Here's how I will get through this day in history.

Love is but a song we sing

And fear’s the way we die.
You can make the mountains ring
Or make the angels cry.
Though the bird is on the wing
And you may not know why.
C’mon people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another right now
Some will come and some will go
And we shall surely pass.
When the one that left us here
Returns for us at last.
We are but a moment’s sunlight
Fading in the grass.
C’mon people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another right now.

The Youngbloods

Are you coping or conquering?