The White Horse (the other version)

"He who works his land will have abundant food, but he who chases fantasies lacks judgment." Proverbs 12:11

Saw a heroin bust today. The culprit squatted, handcuffed under the awning, finding refuge from the rain.

While the NYPD separated crumbled baggies from the fresh needles, I looked at the guy and thought of how many dimes I'd put in his beat up McDonald's coffee cup on my way racing to the train.

Damn him, he's been making more money than me and I'm the good intentioned enabler.

At least I'm an honest working blur...right Mr. Big?

Chasing the dragon, or chasing the dream, can you tell me the difference?

Master of the Puppets

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

My Bible Study group has urged me to do less.

They don't know much about me yet.

Other than I feel the most sane when I'm speaking in tongues. I dropped that one on our 2nd introduction.

I considered George Bernard Shaw's words as I leaped four steps with my nose plugged this morning. Apparently someone decided to take a poop in the Lower East Side subway stop and the heat of the constant F train was heating it up nice and ripe.

"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy."

It seems dabbling has a way of drawing the focused attention away from my purpose. And I'm finding it easy to confuse all this manic activity with productivity.

Damn, while we think it is the paycheck that keeps us afloat; It's the meaningless work that drags us down under.

I'm trying to figure out which string to cut.

So just what happens when you're a Jack of all Trades?

Long and Straight

Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad. ~A.A. Milne

In Memorial of my Father in Law I gripped em and ripped em right down the middle.

Quiet Contentment

"Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife." Proverbs 17:1

With a belly full of homemade meatballs, I close my heavy eyes to 45 degrees, screened windows, a patchwork quilt, the rustling of the sugar maples leaves, and all my Irish-Italian in-laws tucked in for the dark night.

I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers. ~Henry David Thoreau, "Solitude," Walden, 1854

Fresh As A Daisy

"To be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:23-24

Never mind that my chilled Rose had sweat beads dripping down the cheap glass the second the lovely French girl placed it in front of me.

That certainly wasn't the crack in the concrete that sent me ass over tea kettle recovering only to pat my wounded heart and bring me to face the reality I've avoided for so long.

No, I threw it into the back of my throat before it could become devastatingly lukewarm.

But it did take a hot little German chef who has known the feisty confident girl in me since I was nineteen and running free amongst the sandy streets of the Wild Wild West Caribbean to spend 5 minutes alone with me and say...

"I wish I could take HALF of what is on your shoulders and throw it away. Something has sucked it all out of you...and I want to know how you're gonna get it back?

The pause it took to skip the line was FAR too short in comparison to the breath I just took.

She's right. I am completely Lost. The girl that sits here, sweating in her underwear in front of a fan on a Friday night is not the girl I would point a video camera at and pay to see in "My Movie."

For those of you who are exhausted with the repetitive wahs that I'm not quite myself these days can cease reading now...

It's my BLOG. It's a phase. I'm going to get out of it.

I'm bringing Sexy back but its going to have to take a whole lot of as Axl Rose say, bitching, fussing, pissing to carve out the body and soul that I see in this pile of smashed stone.

You don't have to bear with me. I do.

As I skipped amongst the congestion forming on St. Mark's, giggling excuse me's all the way...(new approach), I stopped short in front of the window where De La Vega's familiar scrawl used to hang...

And remembered his words..."The pressures if surviving in the city will make you lose sight of your dream...hang in there.

"You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again." John 3:7

So by the skin of my teeth, that's just what I plan to do.

How about you?

**This puts the old familiar smile on my face...>>

First Mate

"In Him, we are also chosen, having predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will." Ephesians 1:11

It's Not About Me.

"For everything, absolutely everything above and below, visible, and invisible...everything got started in Him and finds purpose in Him." Colossians 1:16

It's Not About My Control.

"In His hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind." Job 12:10

It's Not About My Wants.

"For whosoever wants to save his life will lose it but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Matthew 16:25

A Clearing

"The clouds pour down their moisture and abundant showers fall on mankind." Job 36:28

The first day of Fall's unseasonable heat is soaked with a cool evening shower.

I'm pleasantly blessed with a new writing assignment from Scholastic Publishing.

And a "featured" Reporter Role (Go Figure) on CSI New York.

Lord, pour out your power and love as I sing, Holy, Holy, Holy.

Can you see the silver lining in the storm clouds?

Can this guy....>> Or this gal...>>

Now Is The Time

"The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied." Proverbs 13:4

There's a padded manila envelope laying at the edge of my desk...three of the corners are bent, the label has started to peel and it's covered with a thin coating of black soot.

It's addressed to The Colbert Report.

I pridefully stuffed it with my head shot, resume, and a news reel of about a dozen interviews, sports packages, and stand-ups I performed over the last ten years of my quasi focused reporter life.

I did this last November.

The missing element? Other than the postage...

The show stopping, clutching cover letter that makes heads spin and hands pick up the phone to hire me as their witty correspondent.

As they say in the islands...Soon Come!

Good things come to those who wait, but only the things left over by those who hustle.”

Abraham Lincoln

So why are you {I} putting off your real pursuits?

Rebel Without A Clue

"Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." Proverbs 24:14

A blank canvas...to dream. An open lane...to turn cartwheels.

The trickle of gritty St. Mark's on a Monday tricks me into thinking this town is quiet and refined.

A strange content energy and a cold breeze makes me feel like I could fall deep in love again.

The Pabst neon across the street even seems calmly dimmer.

I didn't make eye contact with the woman on the B train this evening.

She'd already prefaced her spiel with exclaiming her knowledge of the hate we all had for her, and I couldn't find it in me to look up when she cursed us for ignoring her wanton needs.

Oh my God, its Fall. And this southern belle's blue lips already shiver with my looming 3rd Northeast winter. Time is a funny thing...

I caught the scent of freedom's sweet breath as I sat daydreaming in a knockoff Eames office chair today.

There isn't one single, solitary tangible material holding me here on this one way East Village street.

Just like the transient crust punks, I could pack up my few city rags and head in any direction of the Compass Rose. I'd launder them first.

New York City is a beastly animal. But steadfast. I've changed. It hasn't. Not one bit.

Read about a Pilot TV Show in production...its based on the daily account of a young woman struggling to make it as an actress in New York City.

I vomit in my mouth.

I already wrote that...

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is causing traffic cluster on the East Side, demanding we recognize Iran as a true power.

If I didn't believe in the one Lord God Almighty, I would be shaking in my boots.

Instead, I stir in rage at the tax money spent protecting him.

Taking the advice of my lovely cousin who says he does his best to find compassion in everyone, cause everybody hurts.

These are the fears, these are the dreads, these are the contents of my head. Annie Lenox

Do you know how you feel?

Place of Rest

"And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:3

Heavenly Father,

I am regretful I spend too much of my precious time fighting battles against the flesh, this tempting world, and those who reject you. I do this often, instead of honoring your glory, lifting up your name, and being a shining light on your loving example. I admit I spend more time consumed with my career, my image, and my place in the world then considering my eternal life, my true home, my salvation. Because of your indescribable good and pure majesty, there is no question when I am flat on my face singing loud Hosannas of adoration, while all the celestial trumpets sound, and you are at the center will I truly understand what your great servant C.S. Lewis meant when he said, I now know what I was made for...

Out on the hills of glory land.

So happy and free at God’s right hand.

They tell of a place of marvelous grace.

On heaven’s bright shore.

Pilgrims on earth someday will go

To live in that home forever more

Trusting in Him who died for sin,

And rose from the grave

On heaven’s bright shore.

There’s gonna be no more dyin’

Not one little grave,

In all that fair land

Not even a tear will dim the eye,

and no one up there will say goodbye.

Just singing His praise through endless days... on Heaven’s bright shore.

Just singing His praise through endless days...On Heaven’s bright shore.

Allison Krauss

Heaven is all about Jesus.

He's the ONLY way to get there.

So if He isn't your One and Only Savior, why would you want to go?

I like this guy...>>

One of the reasons I will find it hard to live anywhere else...

The Food>>

Back To The Future

"Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth. "Proverbs 27:1

A hail and lightening storm lit up the already electrified city tonight and struck a chord in me.

Spent my day marveling at an old role model, Alex P. Keaton fight the dominance of his debilitating disease and still manage to gracefully work his craft; His seemingly lifelong passion one day at a time.

It seems as though everyone I meet these days is on their own creative master path they have designed and sought after attentively, without ceasing.

My brain as of late uses a rack focus and even my worship is cut short.

I know what I've done.

So, without repeating my mantra of "What am I going to do with my life?" found scribbled in countless journals, I'll hum this prophetic diddy, watch the raindrops, and feel the peace that resides between yesterday and tomorrow.

This Broadways got...

Its got a lot of songs to sing.

If I knew the tunes I might join in.

Ill go my way alone...

Grow my own, My own seeds shall be sown in New York City!

EJ

Do you think drivel is my Plutonium?

Living Large

"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:36

Like talking about Him everyday...

No, New York hasn't run its course, but if one more liberal New York writer comments on the xenophobic, bigoted, and racist resurgence bubbling up within the rising hot Tea Party, I will sandblast them with the very version of the spew they spill in the name of NARROW FOCUS.

Primaries speak volumes and don't they say the cream rises to the top?

If you believe what you're told by the ONE form of media you switch on, that's your problem.

"But you went there knowing you would have to take all that came with living in New York City." My Mama

Today, I will gladly forfeit the romantasy (just coined it) of the perfect Manhattan world I molded with my play dough and young mind.

Never mind I endure an embittered and sheltered woman's aggravated authority bludgeoning condescending reprimands down on me while screaming in my face not to stand up for myself or what's right before she draws deeply on her secret cigarettes.

I'll just allow the cold bourbon to soothe my wounds and let the weather coming in blow up my skirt and lift my spirits.

After all, she was in New York City and that's all that mattered...

Is torture a means to an end?

Star Crossed Crazy

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up." Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

My husband received a handwritten note from our Yoga Instructor, upstairs neighbor the other night. It was taped to our apartment door with a patchouli scented business card attached.

It read...

"I am so sorry if I disturbed you last night with ALL my commotion. I was gargling and I passed out on the floor. I hope the noises didn't bother you."

I have to hand it to the gal...the days are getting shorter and colder and its high time to think about hunkering down.

Just not with my man.

Ohhhhhhhhh....

It's autumn in New York
That brings the promise of new love
Autumn in New York
Is often mingled with pain

Dreamers with empty hands
They sigh for exotic lands
It's autumn in New York
It's good to live it again

Lovers that bless the dark
On benches in Central Park
Its autumn in New York
It's good to live it again.

VD

Do relationships make it easier to take on tomorrow?

Wavering

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:10

Goldilocks reads old blog archives and says, "She wrote way too much."

Goldilocks skims her most recent posts and says, "She doesn't write nearly enough."

Goldilocks Googles anonymous inspirational quotes and says, "Ahh, this is just right."

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places. ~

Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ~

I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. ~

Since New York puts its best foot forward in the Fall, I will attempt to follow suit and stay a spell longer and write a little deeper.

What sticks to something until it gets there?

*A Stamp

Thousands of impatient New Yorkers stand stranded in the rain at La Guardia tonight...much to their dismay by the lack of yellow taxis.

I stand with them dumbfounded.

It's Ramadan at rest and rather obvious who is driving this town.

911

Power to the peaceful...

Not striking matches

And never forgetting the fallen. >>

Do Not Pass Go

“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Isaiah 46:4

A temporary summer shower has widened its breadth and I'm drinking my 3rd cup of lukewarm coffee under an eternal gray sky.

My insecurities run deep and my angst of the future is near impossible to squelch.

If I wrote the thoughts that run through my head, would you question my sobriety?

How about my suspect sanity?

Or have I become that uptight reformed stoner who crosses her cold arms and closes her eyes while others spin beautiful figure eights around my still hips.

Time leaps off the ledge and I defiantly back peddle into the lost years of a lost self and the woman I crave to know.

They cry awaken the child within, She's close enough to touch and she's screaming.

But the muddy sludge is deep and slows my progress. She grows more difficult to reach. Principle reigns supreme. I wish she would laugh.

Temptation is tolerable until the whip lashes across my back too many times from resisting and the solemness grows like a cancer, weeping missed opportunities and time...well lost.

What if I wasn't the Queen of Maybe and affirmatives rolled off my lips like sweet agreeable honey? Would the gravel in my muscles melt into liquid gold? My mouth waters with the taste.

The musician's emotions bleed from the strings. There's a spirit that sings Amen.

Her tan legs lay listless which once wrapped around his ears.

Splayed open before her a path she's forgotten and a desire that says go ahead.

What if Yield was a four-letter word?

The Jam Rock

"I am the way, the truth, and the life." John 14:16

The sunshine streams through the sheer curtains and I catch my reflection in the mirror aglow with natural light. Switching my mental gears to a relaxed state of mind gets harder as the years show on my face. I crave simple silence. But the world is louder than ever.

Me on Vacation.

And mine and Damian Marley's answer to the Religious Leaders Gathering to give their message about Islamphobia...

"But behold the marriage supper of the lamb and the bridegroom onto his bride
Then shall the earth's children know the true expression of ONE LOVE
Then mother earth shall honeymoon in peace.
Forever eliminating the aspirations, lust and anguish of wars and rumors of wars."

Do you believe ALL roads will lead to Peace?

Does not miss New York >>

Labor of Love

"Be strong and let us fight bravely for our people and the cities of our God. The LORD will do what is good in his sight." 1 Chronicles 9:13

My baby brother just joined The United States Army.

Voluntarily.

He's hanging up his electric bass, putting away his pining poems, and cutting his long blond locks for Uncle Sam.

He boards the bus bound for Fort Benning, Georgia for two long months of Basic Training in three short weeks.

I won't make it home to see him.

I believe the next time I do, he will be a changed nineteen year old boy to a different talkin man.

Jesus.

Time is ticking. Moments are fleeting. Frown lines are forming. Wars are brewing.

And I remember the day he was born.

I'm proud of him.

I think of the two awarded purple hearts hanging in my Texan grandparents home and I'm thankful.

Please protect him.

I look at my life and the worries I have decided to highlight. They are mere vapors next to the men and women who sacrifice their lives everyday for ours.

I can only pray that we soon have a President who doesn't tell us combat is over... while our soldiers fight and die up against Iraqi militants as I write these words.

And as nation, we rise to the great occasion, in which my brother can be proud to serve.

Got your orders...shoot on sight.

But does it seem right?

Considering my down time well wasted in a world where something is wrong with me if I sit idle or stand quiet.

Medicinal Companion

"And he sent them out to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick." Luke 9:2

Excuse me please, for my definition...but deeper still my conviction.

You read the line every time, ask me about crime in my mind, you ask me why another roadsong? Funny, but I bet you never left home.

So have mercy baby, cause I'm descending again.
Open your eyes, cause this time its sink or swim.
So I'm under a mountain, stuck to this mattress.

In need of flattery, I change my batteries so that my light will still shine.
Here with me and this price you pay. Just a wishful dream to be thrown away.

I lose myself, I forget myself, I free myself. Okay so I stone myself...But then again what happens if I do. Kept 29 blackbirds but only flew, spent most of my time making holes and licking my wounds.

There's a passion in being alone.
A grace in a loveless time.
No new cross. No new sign. Only the sun and the changing tides..

Yeah, I've been down, but never on my knees. I've seen the forest for the trees..
So say another prayer, save another life.
Kiss me on my head and tell me every thing's alright.
Cause I can say it once, I can shout it twice.
ALL there really is...is virtue and vice.

The BC Medley.
My Atlanta boys playing Southern Rock 5 nights in Manhattan.

They're my new version of therapy, so get your tickets before prescriptions run out...

Can I have a remedy?

Full Up

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

"An idea for a short story about, um, people in Manhattan who are constantly creating these real, unnecessary, neurotic problems for themselves cos it keeps them from dealing with more unsolvable, terrifying problems about... the universe." Woody Allen

And it goes a little something like this...

An overdue visit with a long time acquaintance put words to my emotions."You have a lot more freedom when people don't read your words."

Ah yes... expression versus censorship and i question why my joy has drained from my blog.

Can't liberation come with being heard?

I never have been skilled in restraint.

I'm tired. Yes I know you are too. But anyone who wants to discuss the true definition of exhaustion has to have spent a summer in New York. Its near enough to breathe in the idling cab fumes, the black bus exhaust, the steam seeping from the subway grates, or the radiating denseness coming from the concrete, but to rub up next to the sticky sweaty grub whose positive, negative, indifferent, and dead wrong ideas get sucked into your nostrils while you're holding your breath and drops of sweat drip between your breasts as you wipe your furling brow and anticipate the end of your 12 hour day so you can sleep the sound somber of the dead for four entire hours cause the buck don't stop till late and the drive don't cease at all.

That is to truly experience the painstaking energy released in the 3 months leading to Fall...when the streets of New york embody a brand new sense of urgency and we all hit the ground running...in long pants.

Eh, you want real problems? 

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