Shiny Happy New

"I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness. 1 John 12:46

What can be accomplished if we bow our heads, bend our knees, and confess that He is the Lord of Lords? I am convinced when I dwell on earthly matters, discuss material worth, question my popular status, or worry for the unknown future, I am back stepping away from my faith and out of the light.

This morning, my Egyptian pastor described the mid day sunshine in the Middle East. He depicted a blinding bright light that shone the span of the horizon and impossible to escape. Then he went on the explain the three hours of midnight darkness that came over Calvary when the soldiers crucified Jesus.

Darkness which Webster defines as the absence of light is used throughout The Bible to describe the day of judgement and is a metaphor of a future for those without salvation.

The worship leader whispered the mindful lyrics, "May I never the wonder, The wonder of the cross. May I see it like the first time standing as a sinner lost." And I fixed my eyes.

Walking in my rubbers through barely undisturbed snowfall in northern Central Park past tourists rifling finely packed ice bombs off Belvedere Castle, I squinted at the glaring light of the stark white landscape. Snowmen all shapes and sizes scattered The Great Lawn and laughing parent's ran after runaway sleds. A hawk flew over Strawberry Fields strewn with roses and geese walked delicately across the frozen pond. The sun quietly dropped to my right and reflected off the Brilliant Plaza Hotel. A rich warm bass tone from a distant cello rose up as the temperature quickly sank and I rushed by the barren forsythia bush to the safety of the subway steps.

It dawned on me, my glowing New York praise was a victim of seasonal affective disorder. I have let January and February's cold climate and short days hinder my vision of the gleaming glory of the city I dreamed about and fled to just over 400 days ago.

I've been in the shadow and lost the wonder of Manhattan.

"For it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: "Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." Ephesians 5:14

Who is ready for spring solstice?

Destruction Decreed

"See, the LORD is going to lay waste the earth and devastate it; he will ruin its face and scatter its inhabitants- it will be the same

for priest as for people,
for master as for servant,
for mistress as for maid,
for seller as for buyer,
for borrower as for lender,
for debtor as for creditor.

The earth will be completely laid waste and totally plundered. The LORD has spoken this word." Isaiah 24:1-3

Please quit saying these Earthquakes, Floods, Tsunami's, Fires and Blizzards are Mother Nature's fury. While they are devastating and heart wrenching, they are prophesied. And unstoppable.

Instead, pray for strength and resilience. And the heart's of Chileans tonight.

You really think we're in control?

Last Breath

"The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged?" I Corinthians 6:7

"I guess sometimes there are just not enough rocks." Forrest Gump

It was Roon Artledge who coined the phrase, "The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat."

Ever see a marathoner collapse inches from the finish line?

As my adrenal glands putter and slowly shut down, I lose this bitter battle to the outright thieving big bank Wachovia, but can honestly say the searing pain the fight has caused will soon be vanquished.

The recovery period's just gonna last a little longer than if I would have won.

There is difference between giving up and moving forward...

Or would you rather stay bent over with your ass in the air?

Full Up

"Do not keep talking so proudly or let your mouth speak such arrogance, for the LORD is a God who knows, and by him deeds are weighed." 1 Samuel 2:3

When the exceptionally large forearm sized sleet are falling from the sky, remarkably the freelancers life for me is just fine and dandy. It's 9:44 and I'm still in my robe wishing the rather robust woman reporter would quit referring to this storm as "The Big One."

Yet, I find no solace in the news....

" Because of excessive talking, spiritual energy is being wasted.” Sri Sathya Sai Baba

Look Tony Kornheiser admitted Hannah Storm was a "Holden Caulfied fantasy..." Isn't that Sportscenter execs want? A sexy woman dressed in skin tight attire and plunging necklines with a vast knowledge of sports for simple minded boys and men to fawn after. Call me crazy but ESPN's wardrobe employees have an immense amount of push-up bra power when they give the go ahead to their hosts outfits. Those of us that watch Pardon the Interruption love that TK is a Wild Card and have come to expect subversiveness. He's obviously got a crush. Not only is Kornheiser's suspension waning on the side of hypocritical, ESPN has gone a little Disney soft and needs to lighten up. Meanwhile, I can only hope I am rocking those thighs when I'm 47.

More Bore.

Here's what I see when Washington opens the doors to his transparent rantings....

A genuine waste of time and over inflated salaries blowing hot air. It's a joke. It's not about the American people, it's about a pushing a lasting ego legacy. For Republicans a decision is about job security. For democrats it's about a strong arm victory...I would love to see genuine bi-partisan concern. But judging by Obama's body language when he hears renounce, he only wants to be right even if its wrong for the majority.

I agree this system is unsustainable I am all for reducing health care costs. I have NOT had healthcare since I was a teenager. I do not take ANY prescription drugs, I go to my once a year annual doctors appointment and pay out of pocket. I take a netti pot for my sniffles, I shoot honey, lemon, and cayenne for a sore throat, I pop my 1,000 milligrams of Vitamin C out of my $5.95 Industrial Bottle and attempt to get eight hours of sleep. I'm blessed.

My point reinforces Lamar Alexander's point of "Not doing Comprehensive well." What works for me may not for you. But I can guarantee what works for you will not fly with me or come out of my pocketbook.

In case you missed it...

Besides being knocked down with 10 inches of snow today, James Cameron's Avatar finally took my breath away with a loud and clear message..."You can't fill a cup, that's already full."

Couldn't we all throw out some of the old to make room for the new?

O'fer

"The LORD will perfect what concerns me;Your mercy, O LORD, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands. Psalm 138:8

I had intended on writing the gist of mine and my cab driver's conversation that followed his question of what is my favorite nationality living in America?

The right answer would have been Pakistani.

Instead. I am distracted. And can't connect.

Not that I like to hand out credence to the fellas in pinstripes but for the following I will make an exception.

"Slump? I ain't in no slump... I just ain't hitting." Yogi Berra

Regarding my writing, I couldn't have said it better than this New York Yankee.

Yogi Berra went on to be this city's All Star, MVP, Manager and Hall of Famer.... bringing life to his prophetic words of "it ain't over till it's over.

Still why do I feel like I am striking out...

What if the peak of your career has already passed?

FLOUNDERING

"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? Luke 15:4

"First she sees her hypnotist
When she rushes to her psychiatrist
She sees her acupuncturist
She's got to got to get fixed

Then she sees her scientologist
Gets fed by her nutritionist
She can not seem to resist
Seeking cosmic consciousness.

She's looking for a cure, she doesn't know exactly what for."

I'm done. I've lost interest. I'm soaking wet and have no direction. I'm wandering WAY outside the fold. I'm a personal shopper in the most competitive creative town. I'm losing steam.

Less than stellar writers are showing up published...and in brick and mortar bookstores.

Brilliant Stephen King writes one of his most profound novels, Cujo in a drunken stupor and claims it just showed up in his Apple IIgs hard drive. (80's reference) I need to get drunk.

Friends with no interest in the art are getting blog recognition. I am filling a void, literally a blank white void.

Worrying is rubbing a gaping hole in my innovative mojo.

Grandmothers looking to fill their dead time are getting waivered on Gossip Girl and ushered into Screen Actor's Guild. The horrid show 24 rushes into town and casts dreadful actors to dominate an ENTIRE season. Are you kidding me?

In a town where open mic dives, grungy outstanding comedians, captivating stage actors and unknown righteous musicians rule the school, I am copping out entertaining myself with Food, Food, and more Food. How hard is it to research epicurean delights in Manhattan? That's a given. Which means any kind of down time I possess is used up running my tail off to stay svelte to compete with the 20 year olds who don't even know what a B side is but have a commercial face and ass that Verizon just loves! C'mon I locked myself in my room covered in sweat for hours, flipping my 45's...

My meandering posts are so scattered I couldn't possibly captivate one audience. It is all about me, me, me in NY, NY, NY and well that just isn't relatable. It's narcissistic. I'm stuck. I am not so sure I will stay here. Can't conceive of being anywhere else.

Would Blue Eyes say "making it" was 13 months of sustaining?

Dying Now Vying

"Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the lives of those who get it." Proverb 1:19

My Examiner editor told me I should write about Lindsey Lohan posing on the cover of the French magazine Purple with her arms outstretched as though hanging on a crucifix and a crown of thorns placed on her head.

My first response...Who?

Oh right, the trouble making cocaine and painkiller addict whore turned lesbian stuck in the middle of angry tirades between a loose mom and a deadbeat druggie dad who all prostitute themselves to the tabloids. A spiritually homeless, perpetual rehabber and DUI offender, could have had the world by the balls young actress, but instead is posing for a low grade outlet for over hyped media gain. Fire Crotch Flasher. That girl...

My second response...Who cares?

As the Evangelical Examiner for New York...I have no desire to waste my articles or time on giving wasted media attention to a wasted effort. Although, the vacuous content would gain me more equally vacant readers, I will utilize the allotted space to give my praise to the one and only Lord and Savior not a has been celebrity doing a poor impersonation of Him.

Now what's that popular expression all the youngsters use these days.....Just Saying?

Rare Snow Bird

"They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm." Psalm 20:8

"Know Thyself." Plato

I just discovered another reality that makes North Easterners hard......skiing and falling on sheer ice..not to mention exposed rocks in the middle of open runs. Ouch, where's my powder puff?

Battered but not beaten...I traversed the quaint narrow roads of small town Vermont along a frozen creek where deer scurried along the edge after two indescribably short days of fireplaces and fast and furious wipe outs on Mount Snow. Apparently escaping the throngs of people of Manhattan for the weekend was a joke...as the crowds covered the canyons slick face in search of face numbing adrenaline and mind bending booze.

I'd like to place blame on my age or pass the buck to my stress level. But really it comes down to my personal preferences of my very stable and quite adamant place in this world.

I don't want to rage, rush to the next best action, or review friends intentions or affections.

I want to relax and remain me in Him constantly. This is my SOLID ground.

Finding Peace....The glowing white New York Skyline never looked better tonight.

Must you always run with a pack?

A Calm Fast

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him." Psalm 62:1

And apparently in a downhill motion in the Green Mountains of Vermont.

Don't you need to escape the nonsense?

Give It Up

"For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's will save it." Mark 8:35

Oh..I am shuddering at my new thought. Could Kathy Gifford Lee be a new inspiration for me? Amazing what a morning off will do.

She just quoted scripture before sipping a beer and throwing back a shot of vodka on live TV while asking....

"What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? Mark 8:36

Usher in the "press conference".

He operated on a broken compass.

He thought the normal rules did not apply to him.

He felt he was entitled and indulged in all the temptations around him.

He quit living a life of integrity.

He cheated and lied.

He abandoned his moral he was raised with and brought destruction on his charmed life.

Character and decency fell by the wayside.

He disappointed friends, fans, family, and foes alike,

AAHHH. And he just claimed Buddhism as his redeemer.

Humbling ourselves and laying it at the cross is the first step to mind blowing freedom called salvation....

I like him no more and no less.

But motivated by two unusual suspects , tonight I will lay down a five year battle without prejudice...and find peace.

"My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures." CT

What if you wait too long to wave the white flag?

Spoonful of Talent

"A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22

A day of defeat calls for a dose.

The Queen of Indies and my movie muse....

I've said it before...I'm not asking for block buster stardom, just a small cult following.

What if we bit off more than we could chew and chewed it?

Re-Lent

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Romans 2:1

Sackcloth and Ashes is mentioned in the bible a handful of times both in the Old Testament and New. The term is symbolic of humiliation, remorse, and outward grief. It's only used in describing states of immense repentance.
I don't want to write about Ash Wednesday but there is something I need to know...

Is the proud black smudge on foreheads honestly a representation of mourning and repentance or an obligatory act of temporary acknowledgment and a sign of life long self righteousness?

If I have said it once. I've said it enough. Lent is not Biblical. But so the ritual goes and flourishes in the coal colored, snow covered streets of New York.

As I took the clerk's station next to the judge on the mother ship Law and Order today, I received the perspective of the Judge. This thrilled me and scared me all the same. Towering above the gallery heads and shoulders above the law, but eye to eye with the ruler, my chest puffed out unconsciously as the faces looked up to meet my gaze.

No wonder man falls prey to power...but admittedly it isn't my job.

My faith is my faith and my neighbor's theirs alone. Who am I to judge an exercise of discipline and sacrifice if it makes those stronger and closer to Him?

So God Speed for the next 40 days.

Won't you stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment??
John 2:24

Holding

"The fortress will be abandoned,the noisy city deserted; citadel and watchtower will become a wasteland forever, the delight of donkeys, a pasture for flocks, till the Spirit is poured upon us from on high, and the desert becomes a fertile field, and the fertile field seems like a forest." Isaiah 32:14-15

The halls were cold. Not the cool of a drafty house. But the bone searing chill that sets into abandoned concrete walls winter after frosty winter. The hospital was in private Forest Hills, the most exclusive zipcode in Queens and it was abandoned. Far too modern to have been a tuberculosis sanitarium but not stale enough to have housed the insane or" unwanted", it stood outdated and covered in snow. One single light burned on the second floor window as their bus slid to a stop on the quickly accumulating slush. The guests disembarked and wearily walked into the darkness. The once automatic doors stood at a standstill when one of their fearless leaders approached the threshold of the daunting building. It took two of the stronger men to pull open the neglected rusty metal doors. The staircase was just past the lobby where tens of torn fabric chairs still lined the waiting room. The magazine racks were bare. Twenty of them made eye contact and shivered at the sight of one another's breath.

A few of the women walked the corridors past forgotten rooms with patent's gurneys pushed against the cinder block squares. A gentleman tried the door to the physical therapy room. Through the single pane windows, you could visualize the ghosts sliding their hands along the rails in hopeful rehabilitation. All the equipment was worn down from from frequent use. The icy brass doorknob gave way and then broke off into his hand. The group shuddered and cautiously moved forward past the nurses station, where an old stethoscope laid on the cracked laminate, and entered the left wing.

They gathered in one of the larger rooms where the shades were drawn. The snowflakes were steadily gaining in girth and falling fast, blocking their visibility to dawn breaking outside. The sky was a muted dark grey.

They huddled for desperate warmth and waited. All they had was time.

With the passing of the eleventh hour...four scenes of The Good Wife went in the can.

It's a wrap....

How do you fill life's bleak vacancies?

**http://www.nysun.com/new-york/9-hospitals-proposed-for-closing/44231/

Brutal Truth

"Dishonest money dwindles away, but he who gathers money little by little makes it grow."

Proverbs 13:11

Spent my President's Day scouring First Avenue for anything shiny that jingled or paper that folded, and bearing Lincoln or Washington's face. Instead I came upon this poster....

Often times than not, do you get what you were looking for or discover what you were supposed to find?

Glutton for Love

"Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. Ecclesiastes 9: 7-8

"Love doesn't come in a minute,
Sometimes it doesn't come at all
I only know that when I'm in it
It isn't silly, love isn't silly, love isn't silly at all." PM

Don Juan circa 1926 holds the record for the most kisses in a movie.

I received three cheek pecks all from the female persuasion...

I know red is the color of the hour.

But white...wine good time is what I'm proclaiming tonight as I walk from 9th Ave to 1st in a jubilant huff (that's across the isle of Manhattan for those that don't know.) And the Empire State Building radiates warm red and pink illumination for my walking on air pace.

Here's where my love laid today.

Buttermilk Biscuit with Marmalade and blueberry yogurt. Black Coffee.

Egg Scramble with homemade sausage and potato flatbread. Black Coffee.

Whipped Honey.

Apricot Smoothie.

Bison and Jalapeno Cheddar Pasta Bake. Dark Chocolate.

Two Hershey Kisses and a shot of vodka.

Hot Semolina Bread and Butter. Pinot Grigio.

Mixed Green Salad Avocado and Mozzarella. Pinot Grigio.

Mussels, Shrimp, and Clams Linguine. Sauvignon Blanc

Fried Snapper and Broccoli Rabe with roasted Eggplant. More Sav Blanc

Pecan Pie and Butter Pecan Ice Cream. And dare I say...freezing glass of Sauvignon Blanc.

An Italian Chef, a Jewish actress, and a 50+ years NY transplant Texan clinked fingerprinted glasses and professed our love all over 34th Street....

Mmmm. All that hootenanny about route to heart through stomach may ring true...I'm simply blissful.

“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.” J.R.R Tolkien

Did you think people had enough of these (hiccup) silly love songs?

Make Up a Sound Mind

"You will pray to him, and he will hear you, and you will fulfill your vows. What you decide on will be done, and light will shine on your ways." Job 22:27-28

What if I were a philosophising poet?

Would inspiration flow?

Could I reach inside and understand the darkness?

Would I find the light?

I am levitating above my body today because the vessel is far too stress filled to dwell in...and cozied up in front of a blazing fire on the rooftop of Gramercy Hotel refusing to pay a twenty spot for a glass of wine.

I've decided if I am going to write for a living, I have to get hopelessly intoxicated beyond recognition to make my characters colorful.

I've decided if I am going to make a living in television, I'm eventually going to have to get naked.

I've decided I should buy stock in Chobani Greek Yogurt while I still have $1.79 to spend.

I've decided that the anger that boils up inside of me when I listen to the pack of young black ministers outside my gym preaching scripture while calling me a cracker and laughing in my face will indeed be the death of me. Or sneering at them will.

I've decided in order to be a proponent of positivity and peace, I have to sell two houses, relent to the money stealing and brutal lying members of Wachovia Bank and my lawyers, and come to grips that the IRS is not going away,

I've decided I want to repeat Ben Harper's following words as a reminder to be better every moment.

Some days have no beginning
And some days have no end
Some roads are straight and narrow
And some roads only bend
So let us say a prayer
For every living thing
Walking towards a light
From the cross of a king
We long to be a picture of Jesus
Of Jesus...

Is there anything more beautiful than a guiding post?

Carrying On

"For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want." Galatians 5:15

Disclaimer: This blog post is all about me.

It's so easy to fall in love with New York City.

But I wouldn't want to be seeking my true love here....

The breadth of options are limitless. But the depth of substance runs shallow.

It's Fashion Week in Manhattan and the beautiful people have arrived...kicking off a lusty, smutty, snooty high style, high heeled love filled weekend of creative wealth and want.

My rocker girlfriend and I take solace in the sparkly on our fingers and a bottomless glass of tequila as we watch the lights flash over air kisses on the lonely perimeter of Bryant Park.

This subtle fondness was slow to come today after I whimpered over my five dollar latte at Cipriani's overlooking Grand Centrals bustling Main Terminal with disinclination that this self serving town is serving me well.

I equate the peaks and valleys of New York with childbirth.

What makes women endure the weight gain, hormone flux, constipation, contraction pain, etc..they get a precious baby in the end.

What makes the noise, traffic, congestion, competition, trash, and bitter coldness so tolerable?

You get to eat, sleep, and breathe the energy that is only New York.

And it's worth it...but there is still some late night crying.

As I kickoff my girls only weekend, I'm following the first rule of improvisation....saying yes to whatever is thrown my way, forsaking all ridiculousness.

Well almost...I withdrew my submission for a blond in a bikini on Special Victims Unit. Instead I'm a full frontal covered nurse on The Good Wife...careful not to be typecast in the boundless town.

“If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days.” Sylvia Plath

Anyone else in a Love/Hate relationship?

What's Mine is Not Yours

"I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve." Jeremiah 17:10

"Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the lives of those who get it." Proverbs 1:19

The following rant is a product of working background on Criminal Intent for $80, pocketing a few granola bars for my effort of hauling three "hip and trendy" wardrobe changes over filthy puddles of slush this early frozen morning, and at the end of the day offering the crispy sustenance to a homeless man on the subway who publicly asked for a handout, then looked me in the eye and turned it down....

It has been brought to my attention that Americans do not know what socialism truly is.

Socialism

The government has all control and you, Joe public have none.

Socialism eliminates all of our individual freedom and liberties.

It expands federal government with high taxation and redistributes wealth.

Every problem is solved with a "government" solution.

Screw personal responsibility.....

Your driven motivation to seek higher, work harder, and earn more is pointless.

Here it is in simple terms:

**All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little to none were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied less than before.

The second test average was a D!
No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else's gain.
All failed, to their great surprise.

Socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed. **

Moreover socialism benefits those who want to be led, fed without using their head....

Not simple enough for you....

Work your ass off every semester never missing a class, study tirelessly for chance quizzes, research for endless hours, sacrifice your social life, receive your reward and then watch your professor hand over one point off your grade point average to your slacker, stoner, never cracked a book roommate. And see how you like it.

Thank you John Lennon, but I have imagined no possessions. And I support capitalism.

Wouldn't you rather give it away freely?

**Adapted from Microskiff

Snow Day

"The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever." Isaiah 32:17

Temporary Paralysis...

Sshhh, you can hear your own thoughts in the streets of New York...

And just what are they telling you?

Strike a Match?

"What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient?" Job 6:11

Fact: Fewer than 5 percent of all actors actually make a living at their trade alone, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics.

"But I will rise.And I will return.

The Phoenix from the flame
I have learned. I will rise
And you'll see me return
Being what I am
There is no other Troy
For me to burn." Sinead O'Connor

The Phoenix is a mythical bird who lives out a life span up to 1,000 colorful glory years. Nearing the end of its life, it methodically builds an elaborate nest in which it knowingly sits upon and ignites. Both the bird and the nest burn ferociously to ashes. From this utter destruction, comes hope as a baby phoenix is born anew and with the same destiny to live as long as the one before.

HOPE. An actor's sidekick.

This morning as I dressed for the White House Correspondent Dinner satire on The Onion News Network, I repeated that four letter word over and over into my roller brush. Today is the day they see my whole product.....

Hours later I'm out the door with no speaking parts and a cold consolation bagel.

HOPE. An actor's necessity.

Tonight, I find myself surrounded by 15 plus year union veteran members in an acting seminar on Madison Ave...titled, "Rising from the Ashes." In actor verbage, that's "Your Miraculous Comeback." I look around the room at this mere sampling of sullen but hopeful faces still waiting for their big break... Words like old, outdated, and non contemporary roll of the teacher's lips and I am running for the elevator as fast as my EARLY thirties legs can carry me banging my head against the wall all the while.

Maybe Def Leppard was right...it is better to burn out, then fade away.

Is it time to douse your fading fire with water or gasoline?

Oh Calgon

"The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful."

Matthew 13:22

Sometimes I can't see my blessings. I'm distracted by the things I do not have control. I'm hindered by my desires. I miss the point. In reference to Silvia Plath...I am absolutely positive a hot bath won't cure this ailing stress.

“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.” Lilly Tomlin

Experts say that the release of cortisol has drastic effects on sexual desire and mental harmony.

Makes me want to escape with an overdose of Oxytocin.

Husband's yelling.

Debt is growing.

Doubt is looming.

Stress is ruling.

Face is freezing.

Troubles multiplying.

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.” Anonymous

So I'm standing firm outside this rubber room.

And praying I don't cross the threshold.

Is everything as urgent as your stress would imply? ~Carrie Latet

Show Some Muscle

Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." And they divided up his clothes by casting lots." Luke 23:34

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory.

Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulder
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom.

"You are never greater in the sight of God, then when you forgive." Dr. Michael Youseff

So will you?

*Congratulations New Orleans Saints...Drew Brees said God is good!

Closer to Fine

"You must act according to the decisions they give you at the place the LORD will choose. Be careful to do everything they direct you to do. Deuteronomy 17:10

Everyday in every way , I am listening to the word of God. This makes putting each foot in front of the other a manageable task. Today by only the grace of God and my willingness to expose my figurative self and shortcomings...Exhilaration was the end result.

Woke a little depressed to the fact that the meteorologists were wrong again. NY received a mere dusting. Guess the bacon and pancakes will have to wait for another morning when we're buried beneath the promised storm's wrath.

So I'm hitting the ground running.

First stop....The Sweat Shop in Brooklyn...

Despite my former post, I auditioned this morning for a bitter wealthy woman who had cheated on her husband for two years with his friends and now she was unleashing it all on her therapists couch. A theater piece turned film and I brought all the bitter sarcasm I could muster. The four sets of staring eyes nodded in approval and scribbled in their notebooks before giving me the send off, "we'll be in touch...." Mmm.

Two: In a bitter cold practice room on Metropolitan Ave, an "older" southern belle from Georgia reminisces of her first few years of admiration of New York and the relationships she overcame and the harsh ones that overtook her. The director tells me special effects can cure the age gap. I just need to nail the accent. I do. Could be my biography in the making...

Three: A junior film student at NYU wants to cast a lusty 40 year old for his undergrad color piece. I read in a barren space with one video camera for Delores desperate for affection, drunk on tequila, and willing to risk it all for the charm of a juvenile delinquent with fine

upbringing...for the sake of companionship.

"I'm trying to tell you something about my life.

Maybe give me insight between black and white.

And the best thing you've ever done for me is to help me take my life less seriously.

It's only life after all.... yeah." Sailers, Ray (Georgia girls)

Does anyone see a reoccurring theme here?

Not Lying Down

"My feet stand on level ground; in the great assembly I will praise the LORD." Psalm 26:12

I'm not a goody two shoes but there is some subject matter I do not want to condone even if I am portraying a role. I thought I could overcome the premise of this chance script that is in my hands, but hours away from the audition I am convicted. I will miss it. Besides the fact that New York City writers are capable of cleverness over crudeness.... This is the main reason why...Honor Killings

We are a free nation with overtly gratuitous sexual liberties. (New York City shoves that envelope..The Robyn Bird Show is a network porn show with a catchy little theme song called Baby Let Me Bang Your Box that turns up at sundown.) We blatantly exploit eroticism and have slowly and seductively turned adultery into an epidemic. We have the right to engage in raw suggestiveness or bawdy relations...and it's a choice we all "get" to live with....

With that said, I am a self admitting boy crazy red-blooded flirt who adores sex as much as the next, but I cannot in good conscience for my film debut play a carnal prostitute who befriends her raper culprit and says things like whoring is just too hard on the knees.

It is not a picture I want to paint of me nor for other daughters.

Call me crazy for craving something a tad bit more cerebral in my hunt.

Would you betray your instincts to perpetuate your goal?

**Political Correctness is going to turn this entire world into a bunch of sissies.

Fried Chicken and collard greens are indeed indicative of soul food and can very well honor Black Heritage. What's the big deal?

Handle With Care

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me" Matthew 25:40

The 2010 National Prayer Breakfast.

Praying for civility...Good idea. Pray for a revival while your at it and don't make every single opportunity a political platform.

Our Secretary of State stepped up with scripture said organized religion stands in the way of faith. I concur.

You know what is a devastating insult? When someone who has lived a protected life tells you that you can not handle the execution of a task as you wouldn't know which way to turn...then sends you out to get the coffee.

He must become greater, I must become less needs to be my mantra as I cease looking at acts of service as menial tasks and a waste of my abilities.

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies." Mother Teresa

Mother Theresa was a living saint. A Roman Catholic nun who graciously served the poor, sick, and destitute people of the slums of India and the world for over 50 years. She was a compassionate humanitarian and true deserver of the Nobel Peace Price. Diminutive in stature and soft spoken in speech, she packed an inspirational punch. She dedicated her life to a mission of compassion and love and inspired nations with her selfless service. She prayed for peace, kept her judgments, and tirelessly reached out to the fallen, diseased, and forgotten. She bore witness to the dignity of every human life and walked the walk she talked. She answered a needed call to be a light of God and shone brightly with virtues we can only dream to possess in this dark, dark, dark world.

And now the lost Atheists don't want to give her a postage stamp...calling it controversial.The Freedom from Religion Organization can lick it and stick it.

MORE.

" As to my calling, I belong to the world. As to my heart, I belong entirely to the Heart of Jesus." Mother Teresa

Aren't we all in need of a good ole' fashioned Love Letter?

Snap

"The bows of the warriors are broken, but those who stumbled are armed with strength." 1 Samuel 2:4

A wonderful thing is a Tigger, Tigger's are wonderful things, their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made out of strings..they're bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy oh so fun, fun, fun.

The super human ability to bounce back is defined in one word. Resilience.

The level of resilience humans can contain in their fibers is based on their already established emotional and mental health. Often those of us who put our faith and hope in the greater good of a higher power or those of us that have listened to Bob Marley's Three Little Birds one to many times have a stronger belief that every little thing is gonna be alright......Cue the bouncing.

But when you are under trauma's water and peddling against the naysayers drone.."Oh this economy" then sometimes God's or Reggae's voice is too faint to hear.

Here's what I am discovering about New York, there are people who are extremely successful in their 9 to 5 job living a lie, not specifically designed for them nor generating pleasure to their soul, but at quitting time, they pay their ten dollar cover and two drink minimum to console their heartache and hobnob with the other fat wallets because we are after all pleasure seekers and gotta make the most of life....

There are those of us who are steadfastly chasing a dream that stirs our hearts and souls with such fire that it keeps us headstrong into the wind despite the rejection, upheavals, disruptions, de-railings, doubt, and various pitfalls of the passionate yet quicksand plent freelancers world. We bring the flask to the bar and repeat ourselves in a melancholy tone that life is meant to be vibrantly lived, all the while reminding ourselves we are not at the MERCY of the powers that come to crush us.

“And thus, like the wounded oyster, he mends his shell with pearl.” Emerson

What happens when a rubber band reaches its limits?

Me and My Dark Shadow

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future." Ecclesiastes 7:14

Puxatawney Phil is correct 39% of the time.

This is failing according to our standards.

But since I was cowering in minor discomfort at the pelting sleet in my eyes, I say he just improved his grade...

If I had to endure the same day over and over until I achieved a level of success, I would want the evening to resemble something like tonight...

Snow falling outside my window. Candlelight providing a false winters glow. Bottle of French Pinot nearly empty, copious amounts of chocolate consumed, and a call coming from the no fail agent who said its time to fly south on location. (Okay I imagined that last part)

Honestly, today I write my BLAHg with a chip on my shoulder...Not only am I cold, but I want to crawl into a hole and hibernate for the next six weeks to shake off this defeated chill.

Yes, if I was given umpteen chances to perfect today, I would stop and buy the 4' 10" octogenarian women at the F train a cup of coffee, tell the man in the elevator heading to the penthouse who just lost his job that I would pray for him, stare into the eyes of the black man in a purple cape and king's crown carrying an accordion and laugh out loud, walk through Central Park to take in the ice covered trees versus taking two trains, praise my husband for wearing five hats at his work instead of condemning him for doing too much for too little, not use the f word three tines while discussing my finances, and be thankful, thankful, thankful for my blessings thus far....cause no one knows where we will be tomorrow.

Bing!

"What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered? " Bill Murray 1993

Race Results

"My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water." James 3:12

Staring at a dulling yellow wall, questioning how the hell I am racking up a bill with lawyers who make $420 an hour for drafting documents and waiting weeks in between amendments, before they push papers to the end of their over sized desks and exercise their overinflated good ole boy egos with opposing counsels until they finally get around to calling me and charging me for quarter of an hour to tell me in legal jargon that I'm not going to ever be happy with their results.

AHHHHH....Show me the lesson in this injustice and tell me why I work so hard.

Productivity- the quality of being productive;Producing goods or services; Creative

Can this be measured in angst?

How about vacant busyness?

What about in all these modern studios on all of these long blocks filled with self starting pompous people who think what they are creating is so much more intellectually sound and visually grander than the next and have no qualms of telling you so...?

How to make it in New York City...

Set Path.

Stay Humble.

Shoe Leather.


"If you are not making the progress that you would like to make and are capable of making, it is simply because your goals are not clearly defined.” Paul J. Meyer

So what exactly do you want?