Sheer Volume

"Then Peter began to speak: "I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism but accepts men from every nation who fear him and do what is right. You know the message God sent to the people of Israel, telling the good news of peace through Jesus Christ, who is Lord of all." Acts 10:34-36

5, 883. That's how many hits I received since January 30, 2009.

I never knew what pleasure could be derived from the appearance of a little red dot. To see it in its infant stages and watch it bulge with growth was always a gentle cattle prod in the morning telling me to stick with it... It matters.

Every crimson colored speck on the map represented a person I may never see but certainly could touch.

The louder I spoke, I found myself imagining their lives, habits, surroundings. Where were they when they read my words? Were they invigorated or aggravated in a dusty crowded Internet cafe in Arusha Tanzania with the computers powered by a generator...were they smoking a joint overlooking Magen's Bay on the lush north end of St. Thomas, or sitting at a desk in the posh suburbs of Melbourne, bellied up in smoky pubs in Dormstadt Germany, cynically reading in spacious walk-ups in Queens?

Did my thoughts resonate from the Ivory Coast to Venezuela and in so many warm and familiar homes in Georgia...

Who were they? And what did they think of me?

Were they cheering me on as I steadfastly chased the horizon or were they envious with regret and hoped for my blatant failure?

Did they scoff at my recreational use of mind expanders , want to slap me for my ungratefulness at my abundant blessings , wonder why the hell I am caught up in my plans versus my neighbors salvation?

Did I assist in annoying their set political beliefs? Or did I make them think, question their place, help them reach out to someone who was lost, capture their attention? If they stumbled upon me, were their gains fortuitous?

What if I facilitated a long awaited reckoning? What if I bored the shit out of you?

Did I whisper Jesus' name for the first time to a seeking reader? Did I say it one too many times for a scorned unbeliever?

My calling from the Lord Jesus has always been to preach the gospel of tolerance to every creed, color, and culture.

And my request has remained to receive the same....

I knew I wanted to write for me. But didn't know I would be so touched by writing for you.

That beautifully decorated map resembling my blood to yours disappears today.

Thanks for tracking my progress.

Do you know what it feels like to wrap your arms around the globe..how about your neighbor?

**Steps of a Thailand Temple on my honeymoon

**Children's Prayer before a meal

**Orphanage in Africa

Take a Bow

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

If this comes off as me taking this monumental memory lightly, I apologize...It's just the Irish Pub below is blaring Benny and the Jets at high decibels and my ecstatic energy can not be harnessed and tamed for an allotted time to stare at a blank screen.

Tonight marks my theater debut in Manhattan. And a stellar one at that. If someone would have told me I would be drinking hot coffee with the director, rehearsing all day to take the barren stage at 45th Street Theater in front of a live audience on a Saturday night, my heart would have quietly exploded with pangs of wishful thinking...

But tonight under the dimmed house lights, performing Sex, Relationships, and Sometimes Love, I received instant affirmation that I am on the exact path I have sought after and prayed about my entire life. (Not to mention, my husband was beaming ear to ear in the front row)

I've been bitten and I can only pray I am never cured.

Applause all around...

"The costumes, the scenery, the makeup, the props
The audience that lifts you when you're down

The headaches, the heartaches, the backaches, the flops
The sheriff who escorts you out of town

The opening when your heart beats like a drum
The closing when the customers won't come

There's no business like show business
Like no business I know" Irving Berlin

Do you think there's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York?

Hit With Humility

He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. Psalm 126:6

Sometimes falling feels like flying...for a little while.

Sometimes falling feels like flying....

Until you hit the ground.

On your feet for Jeff Bridges performance and cheers to second chance redemption.

Nothing like the rock bottom of a whiskey bottle to lace up your boots and climb upward...

We braved the 15 degree wind tunnel of West Houston connecting East River to Hudson for Crazy Heart's twang and were better for it.

I hope theater goers will do the same for me tomorrow.

Would you rather know what you want to do, or what you won't do again?

Out of the "Glass" Bowl...

"The mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the saints. Colossians 1:26

“I was an egregiously charming, able fellow, and it was at once a marked and curiously unimportant reflection on anyone’s taste if he thought otherwise.” JD Salinger

With Ernest Hemingway's encouragement....
He published his first short story in the New Yorker in 1948.

The author who's chief breathed animated life into The Laughing Man, who made a story about suicide, a sunny day at the beach, who made D-Day enchanting with Esme's affection.

A genius who defined and sculpted dialogue into a breathtaking piece of art, and made his characters psychological complexities understanding and sincere.

A man who fell so deeply in love with the people he created that he retreated inside of himself and into their life's saga in which he could unfold in imperfect peace.

He shook the literary world with a one shot to the gut with Catcher in the Rye, encompassing the bittersweet smell of teen angst that let all of us coming of age boys (and girls) have a rebellious hero to speak for us in this cynical world.

Holden Caulfield was right, there are indeed plenty of phonies in adulthood....

He tackled ego, fame, wealth, psychoanalysis, gossip, nervous breakdowns, depression, philosophy, art, religion, humanity, detachment, identity, love and death with a resounding voice, that for fifty years has remained silent.

In self imposed isolation, this prolific and enigmatic writer scorned adulation and turned his back on sensationalized success. And asked to be left alone.

He is the one main reason I love to write.

And as a devotee, I too must speculate...

Has he been hunched over a typewriter in his eerie reclusiveness unfolding his greatest pieces of fiction to date?

Jerome David Salinger raise high the roofbeams and rest in peace.1919-2010

Monologue

They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD." 1:19

I knew he wouldn't eat a slice of humble pie and change his course so I didn't even rush home to watch the nonsense.

An external dialogue at 7:27 PM:

"Oh good for you Rockefeller 47-50 Street, good for you. Isn't that so nice to have a station called that. I'm so glad I live in the land of the free where I can drop a M-16 on the subway system. Oh isn't that nice Rockefeller.. Whatcha gonna do if I fly an M-16 here? Will you kiss the NYPD's ass? No, oh no because they will be on their knees saying, 'Bless you, Oh Bless the ground you walk on Bloomberg, Bless you Bloomberg, you can do no wrong. Yeah, arrest me, put me through the system, keep your water from me Bloomberg I tell you what, you put me through the system one more time, and Al Queda will look like a bunch of flowery faggots compared to me. Yeah, you won't be crying Al Queda, you'll be scared of me. And my M-16 NYPD. ARREST ME, ARREST ME, I'LL RUN STRAIGHT FOR YOU...."

He missed me giggling into my scarf but makes eye contact when I shake my head no. He comes screaming over at me and gets within inches of my face. I promise the entire train braced for impact. WHAT, he yells. I simply tell him I don't want him to get locked up.

"I appreciate that, but don't worry, I am have two nine millimeters stuffed in my jacket and if they come for me, the whole car is going out firing in a blaze of glory. That's right, we're all going down. Bam, Bam. Herald Square, oh that's real nice. Good for you Herald Square. They'll be there waiting for me to run me into the ground through their system."

And with that he backed out of the subway car and out of our lives.

Ahh rush hour....

Would we find similarities if we all voiced our struggles?

After School Special

"For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth." Psalm 71:5

Surprise house calls to talent agencies this morning gives a life lesson in rejection resilience. Tonight, I'm reminded of another tough teacher...

Fifteen years. That's how much time had passed since I looked deeply into this friends eyes. Twenty years since I really saw her. Tonight, I did both.

New York City has provided a wealthy opportunity for me to reunite, make concessions, clear the air, and get a transparent picture of me then, in unspeakable ways.

As so many of us have fled here looking to molt and grow, we still find we carried some weight of the gunny sack with us.

High School. Ah yes high school, which I often speak of fondly seemed status quo to all of us kids trudging through life, hiding our own internal darkness as the teenage experience we endured was normal as far as we were consumed or concerned.

But upon closer evaluation, it wasn't the mean girls, break ups, sneaking drinks, getting pregnant, dying on prom night kind of education.

It was heartbreak.

And our innocence faded into the blurred lines of parents abandonment, herpes epidemic, concealed guns, hidden rape, lying cocaine and suicide.

Now I know...this wasn't even next to normal for bright eyed babies grasping at this thing called life. Not even close.

Somewhere between sitting shoulder to shoulder on our seventh grade school bus to staring at her angelic adult face in a quiet Village dive lit by stained glass, we realized we had missed a great deal of one another's pain and made an urgent date to share in our present joy....

Don't you gain strength from every growth spurt?

Between the Ears

"Your eyes will see strange sights and your mind imagine confusing things." Proverbs 23:33

Oh My God...I am wandering aimlessly.

I took to Chinatown's epicenter for a helping of stimuli madness. Somewhere between the cooked duck hanging from their necks and crabs running for their lives over sneakers on the market floors, it worked..

The all too prevalent act of infidelity has momentarily derailed my life and I am back to the drawing board....in search of honest income. (Scorcese is offering $850 a day for nudity)

Do you know when a person is recalling stored information, they shift their eyes to the right?

When they are fabricating escape holes to get them out of the tight spot, their eyes look left?

Just a private dick tip. And a surefire way to make your mind wander and wonder.

New York City in late January is not the most desirable location to shoot television and film. In fact it is a cold dead calm. Or this is the white lie lullaby I use to soothe myself over my quiet phone.

Casting agents are in search of a certain look. If you possess that look. You better have a monologue memorized to recite on the spot. Or your look is worth shit.

Here is my choice:

TRUDY: Here we are standing on the corner of "Walk, Don't Walk." You look away form me, trying not to catch my eye, but you didn't turn fast enough, did you?
I know what you're thinkin'; You're thinkin' I'm crazy. You think I give a hoot? You people look at my shopping bags, call me crazy 'cause I collect this junk. What should we call the ones who buy it?
It's my belief we all, one time or another secretly ask ourselves the question, "Am I crazy?" In my case the answer came back: A resounding YES!
The symptoms are subtle but unmistakable to the trained eye. For instance, here I am standing at the corner of "walk, don't walk" waiting for these aliens from outer space to show up. I call that crazy don't you? if I were sane, I should be waiting for the light like everyone else.
They're late, as usual.
You'd think, as much as they know about time travel, they could be on time once in a while.
I could kick myself. I told them I'd meet 'em on the corner of "walk, Dont walk" 'round lunchtime. Do they even know what lunch means? I doubt it.
When they get here they'll probably dying to know what "lunchtime" means and when they find out it means going to Howard Johnson's for fried clams, I wonder, will they be a bit let down?
I dread having to explain tartar sauce.

Lilly Tomlin- Search for Intelligent Life in the Universe

Were you expecting something more sane?

Level See-Saw

" For it is God who works in you to will and act according to His purpose." Phillipians 2:13

Cornered in a tight laminate dimly lit kitchen, I'm surrounded by New York University English Literature professors, do I dare call myself a writer amongst them?

There are two versions of confidence. Personal and Performance.

Performance confidence has a heavy hand on the level of your skill set and mastered abilities.

The self assured personal digs and runs much deeper...

But these two can easily clash when you place all of your confidence purely in the external results and reactions basket. Your well being is perpetually at the mercy of your outcomes. And if you are a struggling writer, artist, actor, or exhibitionist of any kind living in New York City, doors slamming in your talents face are eventually going to put you in a negative and vulnerable position. (ie head in sand, ass in air).

If you stay there long , you will undoubtedly get screwed.

I listened to the novelist who was struggling with his debut title. I watched the defeated dynamic of a published poet grow angry at her neutral opponent's view of her work. I discussed the crucial importance we place on reader's feedback and the part it plays in our content. We commiserated together on the inner struggle of writing ego versus interesting.

There has to be something more narcissistic in a performer than just having a story to tell but too much mojo in the flow and you lose your audience....

In this cat and mouse game of certainty, there is something certain.

It is one thing to know you have a talent. It is another for others to tell you.

Here's to knocking on more doors tomorrow.

“Write your injuries in dust, your benefits in marble.” Benjamin Franklin

How far can you go when you know no bounds?

No sleep til..4:37 ....Brooklyn

"A mediator, however, does not represent just one party; but God is one" Galatians 3:20

A gathering in far, far, out Brooklyn proved the staunchest cynic can be VAPORIZED with love.

So this is where all the married couples are.

Following Conans's advice..."Work hard and be kind, and amazing things will happen."

Could you step out of the comfort and into the twilight?

Him in the Morning, Him in the Evening, Him at Suppertime

"Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he." Proverbs 29:18

"Loneliness is not the absence of affection, but the absence of direction. "Unknown

I wasn't sure if I should continue. But a Columbia University study tells me that writing everyday fosters the continuity of brain function, enables my thought process to operate differently than others, and stimulates growth while generating ideas for further writing....
But a year old blog begs the question...what is it about?

Two quotes made me want to carry on this path today....

"Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia." E.L. Doctorow

"Forever, You are the God of my story, I Write every line for Your glory." Todd Fields

Both of these affirm my purpose.And when I question my purpose, I question His plans for me.

A New York pastor told me tonight at a Friday night happy hour, "Your thoughts carve your path to your future, where do you fix your focus?" Which reminded me of a Biblical story:

"As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped. "Who touched me?" Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you." But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me." Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."Luke 8:43-48

She feasted her eyes not on her problem, but on Jesus. And that made all the difference.

One flesh one bone
One true religion
One voice one hope
One real decision
Wowowowo gimme one vision...The only Freddy Mercury

Are you planning your defeats or triumphs in the powerful mind of yours?

Nearly Ripe

"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:2

My Report Card.

One year and counting....

Took a chance on love.

Fell Hard.

Ate pizza out of the trash.

Panicked.

Followed my heart with a mind of her own.

Signed up to be treated like cattle as background blurs. Loved it....

Slept on a loveseat.

Signed a year freelance writing contract for Scholastic Publishing.

Cashed my first New York paycheck with New York State taxes.

Let Lady Liberty's light shine on my worst and my best.

Endured my roommates racous living room romps for the sake of New York City.

Clapped for the Best in Show at Westminster.

Spent a long night at the Waldorf Astoria..standing up.

Thought I lost love.

Walked these lonely streets amongst millions.

Mixed drinks at fashion parties.

Found my missing passion.

Personally Assisted.

Worked at designer department store Barneys, and was treated like a mutant.

Counted my pennies.

Worshiped the Lord at Yankee Stadium...and churches across the city.

Published my first Christian article on Examiner.

Auditioned. Rejected. Called Back. Accepted.

Sang show tunes in bars, bedrooms, and on Broadway.

Reunited with my love in the Wild, Wild East Village.

Rocked the Upper west club with City by the Bay Boy Michael Franti.

Felt old.

Danced, Danced, Danced.

Shook the right hand of Matt Damon, smiled at Julia Roberts, flirted with Mark Whalberg, sang with Ice-T, dined with Leonardo DiCaprio, hugged Gerard Butler, marveled at Michael Douglas, and brushed against Meryl Streep.

Chased Fame.

Took the hard shun by gay bartenders.

Second guessed my purpose.

Watched a few sunsets over the Hudson and one sunrise on the East River.

Joined a union.

Saw myself on Prime Time.

Braved the crowds to watch the balloons.

Drank. Ate. Then ate again.

Wrote 366 Blog Posts.

Loved the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, and all my might.

And tonight, I slipped on my cowboys boots, gave homage to my southern roots, and tapped my toes to some mean Bluegrass hymns at Banjo Jims.

How's that for a growing season?

**Thanks for reading.

***Conan O'Brien is making history.

The Mass-es Have Spoken

"Now, brothers, I know that you acted in ignorance, as did your leaders." Acts 3:17

You voted. The scores are in.

His Report Card:

One year and counting....

Added trillions to our national debt.

Lost his senate seat majority.... along with momentum.... along with approval rates.

Gained a disenchanted American public who does not agree with his liberal policies.

Ordered closing of Guantanamo Detention Camp that houses dangerous threats.

Removed restrictions on Stem Cell Research.

Was called a liar on Congress floor.

Swatted a fly.

Antagonized the moderates.

Executed a photo-op fly by over lower Manhattan sending locals ducking in fear.

Won a premature Nobel Prize.

Ignored our nation's security.

Showcased his comedic timing at the White House Correspondent Dinner.

Partied with Oprah.

Adorned a few leis.

Gave 411 speeches, 168 interviews, 28 fundraisers

Witnessed the birth of angry masses attending tea parties.

Scorned the gays.

Bowed to foreign leaders.

Criticized America at the UN Assembly.

Announced he will hold trial for terrorists in the city they attacked.

Bought a Portuguese Water Dog.

Shoved Obamacare down the throats of an unrelenting public who scream "we the people."

Oh yeah did I mention, Lost his senate seat majority.... along with momentum.... along with approval rates?

Change indeed!!!

He's awakened an angry sleeping giant.

Blue states are bleeding red.......

Did I leave anything out?

Sick

'The LORD will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness. "

Psalm 41:3

If it wasn't the mystery roll up at Craft Services last night, then I'm not sure what to blame for my steadfast worship to the porcelain god today.

But after 20 hours of my body rejecting water, I've seen the error of my ways.

Breath mint?

I Have a Dream

"We both had dreams," they answered, "but there is no one to interpret them." Then Joseph said to them, "Do not interpretations belong to God? Tell me your dreams." Genesis 40:8

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." Martin Luther King Jr.

I can not speak on the life of struggling artists in New York City, but I can paint a picture of mine...

She had waited for the call. Something different. Something with substance...

Weeks ago, she raced up Park Avenue as the first flurries of the winter snowfall began, to knock on the guarded door of one of the oldest and most exclusive casting agencies in New York.

He greeted her with a warm English accent. They exchanged pleasantries and head shots.He promised to call, and before week's end he had kept his word.

The show was Damages. Her crucial role, a donor at a billionaire playboy's fundraising soiree. She was elated.

The day had arrived. She was to show up hair and makeup ready in a dirty little bar in NoHo at 3:30 sharp..she descended the stained steps into the dark holding room at 3:05 carrying a choice of upscale attire placed delicately in a wardrobe bag. The production assistant gave her a dismissive glance and scribbled her number on her pay stub. No names were needed.

She tiptoed through the quiet oppressive basement past lurking eyes and chose her spot to squat for the long shoot ahead of her. She knew choosing her seating arrangement was an important decision as it dictated the conversations that would soon invade. She soon met a man in therapy over his mother's withholding ways. He spoke freely.

She endured steaming heat to her scalp by the hair stylist, greasy cheeks blotted by the makeup artist, and was wearily looked up and down by the wardrobe representative. After three nods, she felt a sense of relief to be considered finally the "right sort of person" for the gig.

The call to set came quickly and the chosen ones all lined up against a stark brick wall as the director came to size us up. He approved of her rosy cheeks.

The cobblestoned street was tough to navigate as her three inch heels found every gap until she found herself at the threshold of the penthouse loft overlooking the broad span of Broadway. This was where the magic happened.

She let the overweight 2nd Assistant Director move her until she hit his desired mark. At action, she swayed, nodded, smiled, humored, clapped, flirted, and drank grape juice from a flute everytime Ted Danson raised his glass...

At the Director of Photography's call to wrap, she dutifully left the set, disrobed, stood at the back of the line and took her $140 check with a satisfied smile. Casually she strolled East through Calcutta (aka E.6th Street) under a scenic Cheshire Cat Moon and thought I've finally

made it.

"So I'm happy tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord!" Martin Luther King Jr.

Ask yourself, what would become with eternal optimism?

Flap and Coast

"In everything he did he had great success, because the LORD was with him." 1 Samuel 8:14

'I take an anti-depressant but I find I need another chemically induced, pharmaceutically assisted pill to give me any kind of self worth.'

ARGHHHHH! Forgive me while I have no patience for that bullshit cop-out...

Pull yourself up, realize your blessed in relative comparison life and get on with this hard for all of us journey.

Human Interaction.

The cure all when I'm floundering in my existence and lost in the wood on a dismal rainy day.

This pursuit in passions is not an easy walk. It is putting one foot in front of the other despite the frequent setbacks and self defeating downfalls....

Believe me in a sane world, I would not have chosen the equally insane life careers of acting and writing. But since we don't choose our passions, they take us captive, I relent to the hardships it brings.

Advice over mid-day expensive hot coffee with a fellow performance sadist:

You must present a product. A product that can be widely adored or adamantly scorned amongst a general audience. And you must be that product all the time.

Advice over an early evening half-priced french bottle of wine with a grounded Columbia grad and beautiful new friend:

Everyday you're one step closer. You're on the path, keep walking....

In four days I will celebrate one year that I took this extraordinary leap.

Both Flying and Falling are part of the ride... And this is just the beginning.

Still snug and safe in your security?

**Golden Globes gave that added tush push I need.

Knowledge is Dangerously Fun

"The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly." Proverbs 15:14

Holy Shit, I love companionship but boy people have a way of hampering my mood.

The Co-Dependent expert would say, boy do I let people hamper my mood....

This moment in time is a testimony to what I already know. When I wake fresh faced and renewed is when I should sit down to the methodical tapping on the keyboard in pseudo NY silence and compose.

Reasoning would say I have to experience to write. And right reasoning can be. But....

It is often the minutes when I first rise and prepare for the occasion, I am the most optimistic of what a day can bring and what humanity can show.

I'll commence.

If you decide to stay in your hole/haven/hovel in NY, you can never use the excuse resembling the adage, Ignorance is Bliss, because you would have to be a blind fool to not know the activity that ensues once you step over your threshold in Manhattan.

For example.

Fennel sausage and poached eggs pouring over thick and flaky cheddar biscuits served at a neck breaking pace on the art street Great Jones, immense amounts of Europeans picking over and purchasing stacks of dark denim washed American icon Levi's in SoHo, or shirtless roller bladers dancing in the prisms of sunlight reflecting off the gentle ripples of the Hudson would all pass you by without a blink.

If indoors was your rightful choice on this winter thaw (though New Yorkers think a heatwave has hit), you wouldn't have sat amongst the towering palm trees and soaked in the symphony sounds of a free concert in the Financial Center's glass atrium with a tenor voice chilling you to the bone. The crane operators working Saturday overtime as they resurrect the World Trade Plaza in the empty acre by acre footprints of a bitter memory wouldn't even cross your mind.

Salty tears could not fall as you read the gripping declarations imprinted on the Irish Hunger Memorial Museum walls nor could hoppy suds flow down your throat with such quenching

satisfaction like you hadn't had a drink all day...

"A little learning is a dangerous thing;

Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring:

For shallow draughts intoxicate the brain

And drinking largely sobers us again.
Fired at first sight with what the Muse imparts,
In fearless youth we tempt the heights of arts,
While from the bounded level of our mind,
Short views we take, nor see the lengths behind;
But more advanced, behold with strange surprise
New distant scenes of endless science rise!"

Alexander Pope

Hard to be stagnant when you're chasing a dream....

Wouldn't you rather bask in the know?

Hudson Hope

"And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith." Matthew 13:58

Thank you Sully. Happy Anniversary.

155 freezing cold Grey Goose shots all around....

How's that for a wing and a prayer?

Segue

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9

Stream of Consciousness hits me and I flow fluidly...well with occasional stutters.

"Write what you want bottomless from the bottom of mind" Jack Kerouac

Text: Your computer needs to be rebuilt, rest until next week... Gasp.

Another call follows; This time pleasant news....

You'll be standing next to Fatal Attraction's femme fatale and Boston's favorite bartender who knows ALL our names...be on time.

Ticking time bomb and delightfully insane director at 45th Street Theater says I'm a go go girl on joining the skeleton cast of newbies and tell all who are interested in viewing entertainment, they can ante up $25 tickets and all you can drink PBR...how's that for off-off Broadway?

I open and close the show.

Gave the postman a good show when I sent postcards to agents quoting an old Alan Jackson country tune..."Wanted, one hard working agent to forgive imperfections in the client he loves. Wanted, just one chance to audition." I wrote in red.

Red faced and frustrated I prattle the words of Bob...."Gimme, Gimme, I need. I need." Before I move again...

Moving on....My mom says she's in love. Will this man love my children?

Men have a better chance with a late blooming acting career.

Colin Firth

Samuel Jackson

Hell...Rodney Dangerfield didn't get a respectful break until his 40's...so I got seven years til my Caddyshack.

Shaken by what I was told today, I should be able to 'wake up the rooster' if I want to work in this painstaking industry.

Conjures up memories of throwing apples at the one's that crowed in the Caribbean...wrecking my rum dazed daze...

Been dazed and confused for so long it's not true.

Woman...

I get it, weak men don't like strong women, cause their hip to their tricks....

Here's a tricky question...What if indeed we are all connected by invisible fishing wire and our actions are affecting someone's life in Cape Tribulation, Australia more than we can conceive?

(Conceivably Harry Reid would be so proud) The Empire State Building is a radiant vanilla color and no one sits on the frozen tundra of the normally populated Union Square amphitheater.

Speaking of dramatic theater....Should Americans care that First Lady Obama's push for childhood obesity awareness is a poor substitute for a stepping stool/leg up for our lackluster interest in Health Care?

American tourists crowd the congested stores selling miniature statue of liberties and snow globe gluttony I escape out of Herald Square Hell on foot through Little Korea as their shipment of meat comes in..Woof.

So hungry I could eat a....I Drop nine dollars on a chicken soup and coffee at the sterile City Bakery and ponder....for such a devastating LIBERAL city, New Yorker's epitomize capitalism.

“Every great wave of popular passion that rolls up on the prairies is dashed to spray when it strikes the hard rocks of Manhattan.” Henry Louis Mencken

How can we look, speak, think, act, and expect such different outcomes when we are all made up of flesh, blood, and bone....

And how the hell did we all end up here?

Religious Retort

"And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:7

Television Evangelist Pat Robertson is giving the people who call on the Lord a hideously unintelligent name....Blaming the catastrophic Earthquake in Haiti on a pact their people made with the Devil....??? Seismologists may not be able to determine when these destructive disasters will hit nor why they are so deadly; But this layman Christian girl is here to tell you, it isn't at the hand of a vengeful God.

Who knew...Robertson spoke Satan?

Give, Grieve, Pray, but don't waste your time Blaming....

Why you're at it, say a prayer for the biker on the red bike who just went flying across St. Mark's...courtesy of a New York Taxi.

"I was only willing to do what was asked of me and what seemed necessary at the time.”

Miep Gies

Dutch woman who safe harbored Anne Frank and her family during World War II. And the reason we have Frank's story of survival.

Now, who saw me over those broad shoulders of Christopher Meloni tonight?

Tuesday

"One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind." Romans 14:5

The Good

Payday

Viewing a private screening of a soon to be released feature film on the writer, producer, editor, and director's couch in his West Village Loft.

The Bad

Haiti's Earthquake

Clicking on an image of Robert Pattinson, getting hard core porn instead , and a computer virus that won't quit....At WORK.

The Not So Pretty

Sarah Palin's Fox News debut.

My career's forward momentum.

“You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?”

Support the Arts

"It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay." Ecclesiastes 5:5

Knob Creek A'Knockin...

Widespread production companies are taking an extended vacation..except for the machine Law and Order and I cannot do another SVU, Scorsese's Boardwalk Empire says I'm too blond. Sex and the City 2 says I'm too straight.

After setting up a horrendously unacceptable payment plan with the despicable IRS with a woman who resisted in divulging her first name....

Finagling Card Services to bring me down to the three digit monthly arrangement with a humane two digit interest rate.....

Asking my landlord to ease up on the confrontational emails and refrain from raising rent....

Determining how far removed my husbands diploma is from his school loan balance....

Telling my litigation lawyers what they are charging me for the chump change they're gaining is a fat slimy loogey in the face....And deciding I have a meager $200 every thirty days to spend on myself on an extravagant whim.....

I am forced to look at New York City's cost of living without my rose colored glasses.

Then I shrug my shoulders and drop a mouthful chunk on postcards to send to casting agents, reminding them that I exist....

"I guess i'm learning
I must be warmer now..
I'll soon be turning, round the corner now.
Outside the dawn is breaking,
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free!

The Show must go on!
The Show must go on!
Ooh! Inside my heart is breaking!
My make-up may be flaking...
But my smile, still, stays on!" QUEEN

Do you contently sing HI-HO or begrudgingly sneer I OWE?

**My ads are back.

White Bread World

"Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24

You don't know anything about a person's life...by their exterior.

Recently aggravated by a stuffy crew member on Rescue Me who said there is no way I could know about Public Enemy, I was tempted to deck him with the overstuffed blunts I smoked in the inner city parks of Atlanta....

My family life has all the makings of a mini-series drama.

Judging by the ravenous public who consumes scandal and devours downfalls...it isn't a wonder what I should be writing about. Yet, my course of action is to do what my Lord and Savior tells me to do and that is be a distributor of the gospel. Which is the good news.....

That doesn't lend much leeway to discussing deception, divorce, indiscretions, denial, debutantes and more.

I'm saving that for when I backslide....

My job description took on another element as my assignment for the day was to shop the Upper East Side playground...Madison Avenue on someone else's dime.

First stop, Hermes. Now for the reader that doesn't know this Parisian boutique, a porcelain candy dish runs you $600 and an H clad beach towel starts at $500. I arrived before noon, to the four story designer duds absolutely full with fur wearing, boot donning, diamond dripping luxury living women. Women my age.

As I observed gold cards pushed across marble counters, four thousand dollar receipts signed, cashmere baby blankets in all colors bought, and a statuesque beauty queen with an entourage exclaim she just made a second 10K Birkin bag purchase because she couldn't make up her mind on calfskin or goat leather....

Sure envy and jealousy reared their heads. But pity quickly took over. For I was sure the next on their suede agendas was lunch. What a vacuous life!

Is this all? Or is this all I perceived?

Big Girl Won't Cry

"Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do." Ecclesiastes 9:7

David Chang's Momofuku (LUCKY PEACH in Japanese) Ssam Bar.

Jersey Boys at August Wilson Theater.

Sheer Talent.

Sweet Surrender... What a Night.

Can you beat this feeling?

Stuck on You

"Who is he, this King of glory? The LORD Almighty— he is the King of glory." Psalm 24:10

In the middle of a sold out concert at Notre Dame Stadium, two women stood up at the end of a song screaming with a banner that stretched completely across their section. It read, "Elvis, You are the King." He replied, "No, Jesus is the King." And went on to rock the house that God built....well according to the Irish.

----One thought of you, my heart begins churning, I feel RETURNED to a fountain of love,

My lips and eyes, they ache to be near you, To hold you here in my fountain of love.
Never be blue should your world start sinking, Just come and drink from my fountain of love,
We’ll build a new world off on a high mountain, We’ll live on our fountain of love---....EP

Happy 75th Birthday Elvis! The sexiest swagger to date.

Amazing Love, How can it be true that your King would die for you?

***It's cold in NYC too y'all!

Systemic F-Up

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2

This is what happens when you arrogantly dismantle tough security policies for the sake up shake up CHANGE....

We are under attack America.

And our Commander in Chief wants to hug it out.

It's thrilling he admits his mistakes..but how many more of them will we survive?

Obama could use a syringe full of Alice Cooper.....

"I used to be such a sweet, sweet thing
Till they got a hold of me
I opened doors for little old ladies
I helped the blind to see
I got no friends 'cause they read the papers
They can't be seen with me
And I'm gettin' real shot down
And I'm feelin' mean"

Should we caress their feelings or secure our safety?

Giving Love A Bad Name

"...For why should my freedom be judged by another's conscience?" 1 Corinthians 10:29

Cattle's snot frozen to their snouts.

Omaha's snow removal budget exhausted.

Homeless in boggy Louisiana dying from exposure.

Atlanta's water mains busting in the freeze.

Orangutans wrapping themselves with burlap in south Florida.

Global Warming?

New York City's cross lights show Walk/Don't Walk simultaneously.

This is a disaster....

It's no wonder people crawl into a hole with contempt or scream offensively loud when approached about religion. After a perfectly marvelous day in the life of high end design and a refined "entertaining" lunch on 5th Avenue of steak tar tar, authentic clove sausage and baba ganoush amongst the more than charming french speaking Lebanese carpet vendor..My space on the bench is casually encroached by a beautiful, yet subtle blond beauty as I wait for the downtown train.

She smells faintly of a stale floral Bath and Body Works lotion. And seems harmless.

"I wanted to ask you a question...has anyone ever shown you that the Image of God is a woman?

Oh droll...Not again.

I clutch my purse as I give her the warmest smile I can muster. I explain that yes, I have an uncomfortable memory of being cornered by her kind once before. I am a Believer in The Father, the Son, and The Holy Spirit. I do not embrace what they believe, but appreciate the fellowship. As the C Train breezes into the station, she rises, appalled, tells me how wrong I am to not believe scripture and maybe I should read the Bible sometime....it would do me a world of good.

With that...the doors closed behind her.

Here's the issue...and I quote Franti again, one man's got a jet fighter, one man's got a song. Nobody Right. Nobody Wrong.

You can not win favor, earn trust, gain souls, or own hearts if you are in the position of condemnation.

Hey NYC Cult.."I'll worry about me, you just worry about you. I'll believe what I believe, you can believe what you believe too..." Montgomery Gentry

On a side note....

Why are all the Democrats quitting??

Just The Facts

"Give us each day our daily bread." Luke 11:23

I know the Bible tells me that people will soon hate me because I speak His glorious name, but dag nabbit..I can't stop....

"Soulshine, Better than Sunshine, Better than Moonshine, Damn sure better than rain...Gotta let your soul shine." Gov't Mule

Can you feel with me a moment, the exhilaration of drinking my morning fuel, when the familiar face of a dear friend since 11 and her mini-me with bangs calling my name, appear on the computer screen their Montana morning. The blazing memories come rushing back like a downhill stream. And I witness just how far we've come on our own and together....

Crazy Sexy Cool Skype Y'all!

Either more people are going to work in the New Year or winter jackets are now taking up twice the room. I must have had a hand on every inch of my lower half this morning...thank goodness none of them were open palm. With the chance of getting groped on the high end, my chance for getting an elbow up would be slim...Thoughtfully, everyone behaved.

As I worried about my fever blister that reared its fierce head at the END of my vacation, I took a quick glance at the women rushing about me in their Juicy Couture on Columbus Ave. My observation told me there was enough collagen gone awry on the Upper West Side, I didn't have to feel so bad about my ballooned lips.

Just a thought...remember that abominable landscape I spoke up? Maybe if we ended the War on Drugs, the Afghani's could grow their poppies in peace.

Thank God, every Christian doesn't agree with me. Word from our Father, they don't have to...

My moderate commute home on Avenue A became increasingly danger filled as I dodged the linebacker woman in head to toe black, outside of our local East Village Saloon called Doc Holiday's spitting on the sidewalk and screaming "You're a fucking psycho, I won't be your cowgirl bitch anymore."

Is there an underlying want and need for morality again? (hard to gauge) Everyone is in search of solace. Is the pendulum anticipating a huge swing back toward down home values and innocent pursuits?

Now slow down with me, let me pour two fingers of goodness and ask the real question...

Could purity become popular again?

Are You There God?

"Pay attention, Job, and listen to me; be silent, and I will speak. If you have anything to say, answer me; speak up, for I want you to be cleared. But if not, then listen to me; be silent, and I will teach you wisdom." Job 33:31-33

What a nation.. My blog has been generating Public Service Announcements because I have not filled out a W-9 so they can take pennies off the dimes I'm making on standard ads....Four dollars in NY taxes on my Croque Monsieur and Cote Du Rhone, I should have just bought the street meat...but aye my taste.
My point is, tax me on what I choose to consume...NOT WHAT I PRODUCE! (or have I said that before?)

What does God want from us?

Or as Larry Gopnick (a Cohen brothers 60's adaptation of Job) asks, "Why does God field the questions, if he isn't going to answer them."
Joel and Ethan Cohen's latest film, A Serious Man does not give an argument for atheism but Judaism quite possibly....

In the protagonist's quest to answer why life's inconveniences are spiraling into miseries, we as viewers are prompted to ask the same questions.
There is no rhyme or reason or reality in controlling the forces of our own Universe.
Examining human existence and making sense of it is a futile exercise unless we give homage to a greater power and His design.

If we don't do that, Life is indeed what they are eluding to...meaningless.

---Oh, prayer is the number Faith is the exchange Heaven is the street And Jesus is his name Oh, operator, information Please give me Jesus on the line....---MT

Who you gonna call?

The Giving Tree

"He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers." Psalm 1:3

If the Catholic church out my bathroom window ceases to chime Silent Night in the near future, it will be far too soon... It gives me warm comfort on these single digit nights...

Ask anyone living in NYC what the most desired component to their apartment living would be and I'm guessing the word VIEW would roll from their overpaying lips more times than elevator, doorman, or closet space (close second).

Outside my third floor walk up window is a massive 50 foot Honey Locust Tree whose branches span across the entire building and open growing trunk beautifully splits at eye level.

When I moved in with two suitcases and a down comforter, the AC was working overtime and her broad green leaves were so dense, they hindered my curious gaze into my cross street neighbors windows.

Come September and still bright green, furiously going and tirelessly coming I watched her fruit (pods) as they fully matured producing a sweet nectar... Autumn in New York brought cool breezes through the screen and an intensely golden scene against a cloudless blue sky as the legumes bent downwards and she turned an unabashed brilliant yellow while the sun set sooner and time marched faster.

Somewhere between 5 AM call times, fast running trains, and me losing my full mind, I missed the leaves falling to the ground littering St. Mark's curb, and I woke up one December morning to her sweeping limbs bare naked and covered in a lustrous white dusting ...

Today as the Arctic wind whips the broad branches against my window panes and the flakes grow larger, I look forward to the fragrant cream colored flowers that spring will bring.

Locusts known to endure urban conditions, tolerate freezing cold winters, and still thrive with high air pollution, this gorgeous specimen provides me with a rivaling spectacular Manhattan view I wouldn't trade for all the storage on Park Avenue.

"It isn't the great big pleasures that count the most, it's making a great deal out of the little ones." -Jean Webster

Does your outlook show much growth?

Path of Least Resistance

"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age. Titus 2:11-12

Brooklyn Pool Hall Murder is the city's 5th of the year...read The Post's headline...Apparently the gunman was not resolved to self control and compassion in the new.

Forgive me. But I ask the Lord to search my heart continuously and remove anything that is standing in the way of me coming to him in every way. If one more person uses the pathetic excuse to dismiss my faith that "Religion causes more hate and horror in this world," instead of it just being the self serving evil in huMAN'S heart, then I might do a little popping off myself.

Word to the wise: You can't hear His voice if you don't know who He is...

Back in the city after a head strong train ride through the driving snow...and while Grand Central resembled a largely populated river with eddy's and stagnant spots, I found the rushing jet stream current which picked me up and rushed me in a zig zag motion past the remaining light lookers in their tennis shoes and into the pulsating heartbeat of a city that isn't phased by a new decade.

Caught my breath.

I will now do the once before unthinkable and (embarrassingly) finish the last chapter of Twilight, despite agreeing with Stephen King that Stephanie Meyer is not a good writer but created a compelling character.

All this before I drift and awake to my last day off....

A friend of mine told me I let God have it both ways....when bad things happen, I condemn my actions. When good times occur, I thank Him profusely....

Tell me, who is responsible?

The Missing Piece

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:22-24

1-1-2010

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do.

"We've now entered into another dementia."

"Don't you mean dimension?"

"Why, yes. Yes, I do"

(AM Scenes from the house on the Golden Hill)

Dear Self,

Now that the country sausage and fluffy pancakes soaked up the last drops of the decade's end. And the falling snowflakes cleared the hazy fog that remained long after the stroke of midnight....it is time to pay lavish attention to this year's personal INTENTION. As this is the only way for clear focused creation to manifest into a life fulfilling future.

Today represents a bright white, blank canvas.

So artist, pick your colors and paint your picture....

All the Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
Layin' in the sun,
Talkin' bout the things
They woulda-coulda-shoulda done...
But those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
All ran away and hid
From one little did.

-Shel Silverstein

If it's broke, fix it. If you don't use it, get rid of it. If you've always wanted it, go get it.

What are you waiting for?