Status Quo

"Like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions. "Deuteronomy 32:11

"Before I'm a writer, I'm definitely a reader and when I read memoir, I really want it to be true." Augusten Burroughs

A hungover, humid, sour belly, overcast afternoon and I'm sprawled out on an old Chenille blanket under the hardworking AC beating myself up. 

Pride is an all consuming sin and a wrecking ball for intimacy. 

If passion has to be volatile. I'd rather be alone.

Lord, search my heart and remove anything that is standing in the way of coming to you today.

Augusten Burroughs must spend his time in between gorgeous Amherst, Massachusetts and New York City inside his candid head making a fantastic living on shining a revealing light on all our raw, ugly, and very true pounds of emotional baggage that make up our lives...

 It begs the question, is the claiming Ozzie and Harriett child constipated with rage or is there really a version of normal?

Where would we be without our painful childhoods?

I know that my subtle bossiness and undeniable control issues are adverse results of my just wanting rules and boundaries in my life. Some Security and Chef Boyardee!

The larger the window becomes and I learn more of my mama's youth uprooted by a father who chose a younger wife and the new family that replaced her to my husband's violent disgust of disapproval manifesting itself in desertion. From the couple's who can't get through a day together without cocktails, to a two year divorcee who is carrying the heart wrenching angst of infidelity and the weight (literally and figuratively) into her miserable days.

I start to understand (get a better grip rather) on why we do the things we do to one another.

And the armor we takes on to cope and coast psychologically unscathed through more of it....

The all mighty power put into our parent's and theirs, and those before us is insurmountable.

The decisions and inflections, the conflicts and contradictions that determine the person who each and everyone of us is becoming....

I visualize little birds with their beaks wide open waiting for the worm and wincing when it's time to be tossed from the nest into this thing called life.

It takes my breath away. It teaches compassion.

I know a girl who either is a groundbreaking novelty and really experiences contentment constantly despite her unsettled and sometime abusive upbringing, or she is so bogged down with denial and suppression that if you poked, her she'd pop?  

At times I think I'm growing weak with the restraint I exercise in not vomiting all over these keys in thought and word. 

I'm wrestling with my marriage. I'm stuck somewhere in between my dream and drudgery. I'm an experience fiend. And she's always just fine and dandy.

Right....I think we're all in this together some are just better at covering it up.

"I remember. I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space.."Gnarls Barkley

Is it a psychotic episode or just the common crazy??